Schizophrenia. Part 1

I cannot trust anyone. I am my own man. A wise old man once said, "If you didn't go looking under the bed, the monsters won't be able to get you." I laughed at that, and now I regret ever looking. The more I dug, the more I found and it is eating my very soul...

I used to be a successful man. I had a career, I had a family, I had a life. Everyday, I would wake up, make love to my wife, spend breakfast with my kids, make another successful sale at work, and be home for dinner and to kiss the kids goodnight. I had friends who enjoy watching a good baseball game on tv over a few cans of beer. Life was good.

I cannot pin point where it all went downhill. But if I had to put an event or day to it, I would say it was the estrange phone call I recieved from my brother. His voice was trembling, as if Death was behind him, as if the world was going to end. I could not make sense of what he was trying to tell me, "...dogs are watching ... they know ... it is not what it seems ... the pier ... the fish are your friends ..." It was all nonsense, but being a brother, I called the acute crisis line on him. He died a week later in his own room at the asylum. It was put down to suicide, but I was not convinced.

I felt guilty. I was the one who put him there. But I slowly realised that what he had been saying all this time was true. As I visited the asylum to claim his body, I could hear the men in black suits and dark sunglasses even though it was 40 degrees indoors. They were saying that the task was completed, that the Dogs were unhappy that they had to clean it up. I had to investigate further, to seek redemption for what I had done.

It spiraled downhill from then on.

I made enquiries and searched every archive that was within my reach, to find out what Dogs mean. I searched every spelling I could think of, DAWGS, DOGCE, DOCKS... with no avail. Just when I was heading home from the library, I saw the men in similar suits outside. I slowed my pace, trying to get the gist of their conversation. The caught me eaves dropping and quickly walked away, pretending that they had a phone call. I knew they were spying on me. Dogs are watching. All I heard was "Bulls and the North Pole." I cracked my head what it was in relation to Dogs.

I was engrossed in my detective work. I called in sick. I did not go to bed, and I did not see my kids off to school. My wife tried to ask me what was going on, but I could not admit to her that I was responsible for my brother's death. I guess it was my fault also, but she started seeking help from other friends... And because of that I started to see who she really was...

...to be continued...

Patient

Patients. Patience. I am intrigued that the two words sound the same. Patient, Patient.

Could it be that the patient have to be patient to be seen by a doctor? Well, I think its more likely that we doctors have to have patience with patients.

I'm currently on the psychiatric ward. Patience is what I need to get by. Sometimes, I feel like slapping them really hard. Sometimes I want to bang my head to the wall.

I rememebered that I sat in with a patient and we talked for almost 2 hours. I never spent that much time, even as a student. It was a complete waste of time, though I did manage to get more information from that interview, but it was still time wasted. At the end of it, I had to give up. After I reported what happened, my consultant told me to maintain a professional distance, choose your battles wisely.
So never again will I get too involved in my patients. I am there to be their doctor, not their friend.

I used to cold, when I was a medical student. I tried not to get drawn into the patients' lives and had no heart whatsoever. They told me as a student I had to have a good amount of passion towards the job, as it will dwindle as I progressed. I don't think it has dwindled at all. I seem to care more. I don't want to do my patients wrong. I want to help them.

But. Idiots fall sick. Sadly, idiots fall sick more often than not. Drug users mostly. Smokers. Obesed. Narcissists. There is a lot of them to go around. Too many. And although it is painful to treat them, we have a duty of care. And we get abused because of it. I am used to being a 'Yes man.' And I see myself continuously being stepped on. Will I still have that patience and passion?

Anyway. I don't know if I should feel troubled, when I start believing my patients' delusions. Is my heart too soft?

1 Month

I've been on slightly over one month of service in TQEH. There are good days, there are bad days. I don't feel that I have learnt anything, but I know I have been approaching other people for help less. I guess I am learning something but there is never enough knowledge.

Last week was a really interesting week. A lot of things happened which makes life seem a bit more enjoyable.

I managed to catch 2 movies, "Up in the Air" and "Valentines Day." Up in the Air is an interesting movie, basically about a guy who tell other people about their bright future and yet not harboring any future of his own. When he did think about a future and changed his way of life, things really did not end up well for him. I don't know whether to agree to not change your way of life, or to change it for the sake of a girl. Twice it appeared in the movie, following a girlfriend/boyfriend to a possible future ended up bad for them. Even from personal experience, I felt that I have followed other people's decision and it did not always turn out so good for me. So I am more inclined to say, "stick to your own future." If the relationship ends, then it is not meant to be. If it continues, then there might be a chance... whether you want to take that chance...

The second movie's title speaks for itself. It is essentially a larger intricate web of stories revolving around cliche themes of Love and Romance, similar to "Love Actually" but Americanized. However, it was a really good movie and I really enjoyed watching it. It starred an all star cast and I would recommend watching it if you are a hopeless romantic.

This was the first time I watched movies in the cinema this year, all thanks to Evelyn who decided to spend her week off from work to visit us in Adelaide. It was really fun to have her around again, kinda like having our old gang back in Perth. I really missed those times and I am really looking forward to going back to Perth for graduation.

Sadly, Evelyn could not stay long and had to leave right before we had our "Reunion" Dinner at Wei Shen's place, despite my efforts to pay for her ticket back, like what we did for the Singapore trip. Of course, due to unforseen circumstances and unfortunate events, it was probably better that she went home early. Anyway, we had really good food, and even had our Lo Shang which was a little token to remind us of home. It was great fun playing Taboo and Mafia. It was really a new family away from my Perth family away from home...

That, and an excruciating workout session at the gym leaving me in all sorts of pain at the moment. That's my eventful week. Hoping my life continues to be this interesting.

Jim

I was introduced to Jim last week. At first, I thought to myself, no harm in just knowing Jim. It would just be a casual meeting and we would both part our ways and never to see each other again. In fact, I was so unmotivated that I forgot that I had made an appointment with Jim.

I was half asleep on the bus, as I made my way back to the city. It was a long and tiring day, despite it being only a Psychiatry rotation. Things did not go my way throughout the day. All I wanted to do was to go home and lie down in bed. Strangely, I opened my eyes just to check that the bus was not going the wrong direction, and at that moment, my eyes caught Jim as the bus drove past. Only then I remembered that I had to meet up with Jim that evening.

I could have continued going and just missing Jim. It wasn't a big deal if I didn't go, but I decided 100 meters later to press the bell. I got down with still doubts about going to this meeting. The more I thought of it, the more I became reluctant. But I continued walking to Jim.

Jim was quite nice, it turned out to be. Jim is well equipt with the latest stuff and I could see myself enjoying being around Jim. There was so much that we could do. Jim even reassured me that I can visit whenever I want, and do whatever I feel like doing. Jim only charged a reasonable amount, for me to enjoy the facilities which he provides. A small price to this relationship I was about to take.

Eventually, without much persuation, I signed my name and I became a friend of Jim.

I walked away realising what I had done, but I could not think of what the consequences will be for being Jim's friend.

I didn't really think about it much after, but Jim called me a few days later to set another meeting. I went, half excited, it being my first time, and mostly nervous as how I would perform. I was out of touch with all of it and I have not done it in a very long time.

However, it went quite smoothly, and I was proud of myself. I used to be able to do so much more, and I am just hoping to get back to that level. I hated it when my friends assumed that I was weak, without knowing me or what I am capable of.

After that session, I went to another one of Jim's services. It was a half dance, half workout session. I really enjoyed the session, but I was such a beginner that I had difficulty following everything that they were doing. But it really brings back memories of numerous dance practice sessions back in IMU and in Singapore. I really want to go back into dance...

Anyway, that was my experience with joining the Gym.

The Curved Horizon and The Invention of Lying

For the first time, I noticed that the horizon was curved. Maybe it was the refraction caused by the multiple layers of the airplane window, or the effect of the sun setting right in the middle of my view, or maybe it was the fact that I was flying 5000m in the air. Whatever the case, the view was magnificent.

Only a thin redish glow across the horizon served as a reminder where the sun laid down to rest, the sky darkening above it as the night creeps in. There was a clear demarkation between the dark blue of the Indian Ocean and the diminishing warmph of the now orange sky, highlighting the curved horizon.

With some srange reason unknown to me, I was captivated by the scene as we flew further south.

We have always been taught that the Earth was spherical. Early astronomers and physicists were rediculed and condemned for postulating such theories. The world, then, was flat, and was at the centre of the universe. I can only imagine the ramifications will be if the scriptures of the holy books mentions that the Earth was indead the centre of the universe. Perhaps religion would fail back there and then.

The curved horison reminded me that Science prevailed that round, in the never ending debate between the delusions of evangelists and the dreams of scientists. I do not claim that science and religion are exclusive, but there are real grey areas which are stil being debated today, like evolution and creation of the universe.

I guess that is the human's need to seek the truth in all things...

Which brings me to a movie we just watched, "The Invention of Lying." What will happen if lying and falsehood and deceit never existed? The movie potrayed a really good example of what the world would be like.

What really got me thinking was, at the same time, the movie can also be called, "The Invention of Religion." The movie mocks the 10 commandments on two pizza boxes, describes the beauty of the afterlife which no one knew, potrays the evolution of procreation beyond genetics, starts the story of making a story, and even shows the delevoping of a conscience... All created from lying.

When did the human race start lying? Would religion come into play if not for lying? How can they believe that an afterlife exists when no one can truly tell us what lies beyond? What would the world really be like if not for lying? Would we even bother about seeking the truth about all things or would be just take everything for granted as it is?

It was a really good movie for my mind to watch right before the new year.

Happy New Year, everyone.

The Tides

I refrain from using the word "roller coaster" to describe how I have been these past few weeks, and instead, I am using "the Tides" as my title. Partly because I couldn't spell the word 'coaster' but also because I think I was stagnant and it was not a ride.

I finished my final exam exactly 1 month ago. For the others, it was the last exam they will ever have. For me, it was just the beginning of the end. It was the beginning of the long train of goodbyes, people leaving me as they head off for their well earned holidays. This is why I cannot use 'roller coaster' as I am the one stationary and others are zooming around me. The exam was hellish, one of the more difficult exams I've been through... But eventually, I got the good news the week after with the phone call.

I've dreaded phone calls for a long time, especially since I failed my 5th year the first time round, and recieving 2 calls saying that I failed. This phone call was not as bad, and was more of good news to me. I already knew that I had to resit a couple of assessments long ago, and it was not a surprise to me. Even more good news was that I only had to do 2 weeks instead of the 4 weeks as planned previously. This would mean that I could have some time to have a short holiday. I have to say, though I still fear phone calls, I enjoyed recieving that one.

After that, there was the Dedication ceremony. That was goodbye to many of my friends, many of which I would probably never see ever again apart from the Convocation next year. I could not dedicate with them, I could not be up there to hear my name called, I could not be proud to have my parents in the crowd to cheer me on. I had to rush to obtain as many friends' signatures as possible, and in the process forgot to spend time with the people that mattered the most to me. It was a happy occasion, but it was a really sad day for me then, very emotional... I almost cried...

The following Monday, I started my remediation. Again it was many ups and downs. Scared by the consultant and got grilled, but had a good time in the wards. A different consultant marked my assessments, which gave me better marks than I expected, but I had to show my log book and got grilled again. I was pretty broken at the end of it though. But I got through.

I finally made it. I finally graduated from 6 1/2 years of Med School. The relief was overwhelming. I was happy that I have passed. I was nervous of starting afresh in Adelaide.

That was a Friday... and I had no hopes of getting home early. And I grew sad that I could not meet up with my friends in Singapore. I grew sad that I had said goodbye to everyone, especially to those whom I will really really miss. I miss them already...

Friday, they promised that I would get the documents ready on Monday. But Monday, the deans were busy with the 5th years' results. Tuesday, they still were busy... I was already half annoyed by then... But they finally gave me a call at lunch time and had it all prepared for me. And that was it. I was done. Officially, with documents and all, I was done.

I finally could book my flight home and pack all my things.

My life in Perth could fit in 4 boxes.

That was my 'ride'. So many ups and downs, more than what I could fit in here. Ironically I felt stagnant, like the tides, rising and falling throughout the day. I stay there, watching things come, and friends go. I never liked saying goodbye, and I said it more often tham I would have liked. I am really going to miss all of you. I am emotionally drained, but the burden have finally been lifted off my aching shoulders. A chapter ends, and another one begins.

Vivendi ratio, Moriendi ratio, Amandi ratio, Pugnandi ratio

I feel that most apocalyptic movies try to potray different aspects of the end of times, mostly the good human qualities such as honour, justice, heroism, self-sacrifice... But 2012 showed many other real human reactions. Despite the cheesey storyline and exagerated graphics (which were still cool), I acually kind of like it.

How would you handle the end of days? Living life as there is no tomorrow? Drowning yourself in indulgence? Taking your own life to prove that you are stil in control? Doing what is good and right until the end? Congregate en mass in prayer? Make amends with long lost relationsships? Spending every last seconds with someone you love and care about?

What are you willing to do before the end? What are you willing to give in order to survive?

In 2012, they could only save a selected few. Who would you choose? This was like selecting the 23 people for the next Zion in the Matrix. You would want the brightest scientists, best leaders... I would also think they will select workers and fit and healthy people. But in reality, to undertake such a project, they needed so much funding that they have to sell seats to the rich and famous as well. And some of the rich and famous are not nice people... I felt that it became more of a political, business-like situation, which tickles me a lot.

It was so also hilariously iconic to see cameos of famous figures. Imagine a moderately obese lady with in a blue English schoolgirl outfit and matching blue bowler hat, carrying a big typically old lady handbag dragging her 2 Welsh Corgie dogs. Imagine an Autrian sounding blond in front of a podium annoucing to the people of LA that everything is alright.

Anyway, there were also many miniscule plots which at first I thought just wasted time, but actually potrayed these human reactions and added to my experience of the show. They could have done more destruction and less of the adventure stuff in the movie.

There were also many interpretations of the movie which I found interesting. Like how the 3 major developed continents (save Australia); North America, Europe, and Asia were the ones that made it... just like Christopher Columbus and his 3 ships found America... and how they ended up going to Africa, where human life first begin...

Concurrently, this movie just reminds me of my last two weeks here. It was all about goodbyes. I would probably never see any of my friends here in Perth anymore, not for a very long time. I hate to say goodbye to the people I care about. I said too many goodbyes these last two weeks. I am exhausted with all emotions that I have been feeling. I wish that we all can be in same ark, to start our new working lives together... I don't know what I would give to have that.

I will miss all of you...