A Circle

I am beginning to feel like a tennis player. Love means nothing to me now. I tried to court her but I didn’t have the balls to do it. I served whatever I had over to her side, and it was never returned. I was about to call it deuce, then it hit me.

My life is at a plateau… its all flattering. Sometimes I feel like I am going to explode with this built up energy. If it happens, I would probably make Ma cry. I don’t want to burn her hopes. It is hard when everything feels like its all going down slope. I guess I have to be cool and hold myself together.

I’ve thought about it. Having only my current circle of friends is pointless; it’s like drawing with a broken pencil. I might leave an impression, but it can be damaging. If only I can find a way to make our cliques click. Hopefully something will overlap, and there will be some interest… and then my life will make more sense. I guess all I want is some change. Only then, can I coin my life to be wealthy.

Rhee-son to Live 2

You’re the reason to live
You’re the reason to breathe
You’re the reason I can fly
You’re the reason I’m a good guy
You’re the reason I become whole
You’re my heart and soul

Rhee-son to Live

" I've decided that you will be the one I will sacrifice my life for "

I had a very interesting talk with a friend I barely knew today. He was doing his options in PMH, just as I was last year: Cystic Fibrosis. The topic we talked about, was Christianity.

(Maybe it's the people, maybe it's Christianity, but I always feel welcomed among them.)

Anyway, we started out talking about Easter. Then we got into Big Bang Theory and all that argument. Then we talked about our reason to being. Why are we here. At frist, I believed in Karma, you do good, you get good. Now, though its the same thing, I think in retrograde: I am here because of what I did in the past; I am put here for a reason.

His point of view was, if there is no purpose in life or nothing to look forward to, why do we not just eat sleep and be merry? So he chose to believe in God. Thinking the way I am, I've never really questioned what is the purpose of life nor I do not really look forward to anything. What I do believe is that I do what I do because I can, and I am here because I was put here. I don't know which reason to live is better... still pondering over it.

But in the end, both Karma and this idea on purposes of life told me the same thing. I am here because I was put here, I want to do good because I can. I'm just doing this to pass my time here on Earth.

Oh yeah, the quote that was mentioned, I adapted from an Anime. About a guardian who told a girl he barely knew that she will be the one. I watched this anime 8 years back, after my first encounter with anime through 'Evangelion". This anime was entitled 'X'. I don't remember much of the storyline, but what I recalled is what I hold true at this point. So it was a perpetual cyclic war between the Dragons of Earth and the Dragons of Heaven. The guardians of each are unknown to each other, but they battle nontheless and even to their deaths. And one of the dragons of the heavens said "I've decided that you will be the one I will sacrifice my life for" to his comrade. He made that his purpose, his reason to live.

When he first said it, 'You'll be the one' on the first day he saw her, I was really curious as to whether one can feel like that at first sight. I cannot call it Love at First Sight. Love itself has so many levels I won't go though. Was it love that compelled him to do what he did? He never knew her, and will never get to, but he did it anyway. I wish that I can experience this feeling, and to find someone to be who I will be able to say those words to...

Time of the year (again)

Easter brings back so many memories. Last year, I was stranded in the middle of Freo train station at 10pm. The previous 2 years, an interesting surmon. Years before that, I saw a girl cry watching a reenactment of the crucification. Every year (almost) I go to church on this day, this very day in which I cannot find myself to believe in yet. How ironic is that.

Strangely, with every Easter, I learn something new, I hear a new surmon. This year, was about stones. Yes, synonymous with boulder, and pebble. What about stones? Stones are a physical undefined mass of solidified magma and minerals. They rock our world. Stare in ore at the wonder of this piece of gravel. I mean stones can be obstacles, a hinderence, and usually accompanied by sticks that break bones.

There are just so many stones! I have to admid that I have tripped over many, hid in the shade of one and even peed on some in hopes that water will break it eventually. I know of some who sees one and starts chiseling to make it into something beautiful. And even another that puts pressure on it and produces gems from it. But what the pastor said was true, there are many stones, but we must keep having faith. Faith, is something I am severely lacking.

I find it hard to believe that I lack faith.
It was against my principle to put all hope on faith.
I dont trust that faith will see me through.
I have yet to accept that faith will ge the job done.

(There, an attempt to copy "How I Met Your Mother" jokes)

2-3-83

Its that time of year again. I don't even know why I bother blogging about it. I'm going to post basically the same thing I did last year, with the same content. So here goes:

I do not like celebrating my birthday. Apart from the reminder that you are now one year older, it doesn't do anything as it is still just another day. There's nothing special about it. I don't expect anything to happen on this day. No parties, no cakes, no presents. Even if you gave me a wish, what I wish for is something unmaterialistic, so no one can fully fulfil it.

Now that I look back and think about it, I get depressed on my birthday. It is not because I regret being born (I believe that I was put here for a reason). Maybe because I don't get anything for my past birthdays, so I have learnt it through classical conditioning or learnt helplessness. It's true that I don't get many gifts on that day, so I do not even bother thinking about it anymore.

Few years back, the people I cared for didn't remember my birthday.

Last year, my friends only asked the day before my birthday.

This year, it was probably more depressing than usual. Yeah, the dreaded supplementary exams were just over. When I think I did ok, I will feel more at ease. But, I felt worse than I felt before. My only wish for my birthday was to pass it. I don't usually wish for anything, but this is something that may change my life...

So, to not make this post about me, i link this : March 2nd
Enjoy