I sometimes freak myself out.

I just watched a barrage of movies, including a attempted Star Wars Marathon. Well, I gave up after watching Episode I and II back to back. Anyway, I stumbled upon a Jim Carrey movie called Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.



I liked it because it's... well... hard to understand. Meaning it's some warped mind-boggling story about life and hard to understand. It's about a couple who after going through a rough relationship, Clementine (Kate Winslet) went to get her memory of Joel (Jim Carrey) erased.

The scientific basis of this 'treatment' is that certain parts of the brain will have some activity in it when certain memory is triggered. So by relating all the spots with all the memory of the person/object/animal, a mind map, so to speak, is formed. Then the memory can be erased. Worried about brain damage? It IS brain damage.

When Joel found out, he too went through the process and the movie is almost all 'in his head'. How nice is it to erase something painful and embarassing from your mind? What if it is about someone that you love so much, but is just so hurting? I said I freak myself out. The reason is that I just wanted to blog about not forgetting seomthing or someone, hence the flower... And this is before I knew the existance of this movie nor had the inlking of watching it.

There's something about Jim Carrey's show that scares me. I heard things about The Cable Guy, that it is a story about a crazy person. Once the name Jim Carrey is mentioned, one would think laugh, funny, comedy... Like The Mask, Ace Ventura. But with movies like The Cable Guy, The Truman Show, there is a certain haunting feeling about his 'serious' movies. It's about satire, about life. Another great comedian is Robin Williams. He has his funnies, but there are serious stuff going on in his movies. Mrs Doubtfire, Patch Adams, Dead Poet's Society, Death to Smootchy. Serious stuff... about satire and about life again.

A salute to two great entertainers; Jim Carrey and Robin Williams.

I end off with a snipet of the poem by Alexander Pope (no, not the late Pope Alexander...) entitled "Eloisa to Abelard"

How happy is the blameless vestal's lot!
The world forgetting, by the world forgot.
Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind!
Each pray'r accepted, and each wish resign'd;
Labour and rest, that equal periods keep;
"Obedient slumbers that can wake and weep;"
Desires compos'd, affections ever ev'n,
Tears that delight, and sighs that waft to Heav'n.
Grace shines around her with serenest beams,
And whisp'ring angels prompt her golden dreams.
For her th' unfading rose of Eden blooms,
And wings of seraphs shed divine perfumes,
For her the Spouse prepares the bridal ring,
For her white virgins hymeneals sing,
To sounds of heav'nly harps she dies away,
And melts in visions of eternal day.

A flower...

It's a flower.



It's just a flower.

It's such a little thing. Yet the name means a lot.

Forget me not...

Death III

Well... It all bogs down to this. It has just been laid down on me. I didn't see it coming, though I have been blogging about it. The truth remains there, haunting...

It's just a matter of time, we all have to face it. It's just a matter of time. Maybe today, maybe tomorrow. Maybe when you're old and trying for that world record for being the oldest person to breathe. Maybe when you're strapped and chained into the hospital bed, with a worknig heart but not brain.

One day you will find yourself in my shoes to handle what I will be handling what I am going to be given. The responsibility is terrifying. I'm not ready. I'm just not ready to handle.

The big 'what if' has been laid down on me by my father.
And I'll be the man of the house then.

I don't know when I'll be ready to handle that...

Another row of Death related shows...

Becoming a doctor, we will be faced with the tough decisions and long work hours everyday.

But a even more difficult task is to bring bad news. When death occurs, it's hard to come about to tell the family members that their loved one died. I don't know how to handle death. I would guess it's easier to say it, but not to actually be symphatetic, emphatetic...
"I'm sorry. We did all we can but we cannot save him. It was probably his time. There was nothing that we could do. It's God's will..." ("Oh yeah, by the way... How do you feel about organ donation?")

Everytime I watch a death scene, or epic battles, I get weak. It's not sadness, but I feel like crying, but there are just no tears. Sometimes I may go back hours later to just curl up and cry. But it's making me numb. I don't know how to handle death.

How will you be handling it if your loved one goes where you can't follow?

An anology is that, if a person is going to migrate somewhere and there is a chance that you may never see that person again, how would you feel?

Watching war epics, there is a sense of honour in it, that the person died with honour in battle fighting for what they felt was right. But I guess life is just a big battle itself, and dying in it means that you go with honour.

Lessons we have to learn:
Don't give too high hope
Don't give false hope
Don't make promises

I want to go down 'singing'

Death

I wanted to quote what Patch Adams said about death, but I can't remember the words exactly, but there were lots of definitions of death.

And why do I pick such a topic to blog about? No reason, Can't find one. Just feel like it.

Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith
A fact paced movie with a lot of one liners. I still don't see the good in Anakin though a lot of people think highly of him. Battle droids have personality, including fear. Count Dooku and General Grevious has short roles, they are not as frightening as they potray them to be. There's definitely a Extended Edition. 2/3 of the movie is computer animated.
Yeah, I almost cried a few times in the movie... loads of time..

Maybe that is what triggered the thought of death... extreme sadness

Now that I think of it, I feel quite sad sad sad after watching the movie...

Watch it.

"Sons of Gondor, of Rohan. My brothers.

"I see in your eyes the same fear that would take the heart of me! A day may come, when the courage of men fails, when we forsake our friends and break all bonds of Fellowship, but it is not this day!

"An hour of wolves and shattered shileds when the age of men comes crashing down! But it is not this day!

"This day we fight! By all that you hold dear on this good earth, I bid you, stand,men of the West!"

-Aragorn

Choices...

That was the theme for the CF camp. Not that I'm going to be talking about it though. I don't think I'll talk about it at all. But I am, though, going to be making noise about choices...

Everyday we are faced with making decisions. Whether it's to wake up in the morning or continue sleeping, or to kill someone or not. We are plagued with choices. Cliche...

Enough then...

Choices. What are the consequences of our choices? We can't really tell that whatever choice we make is a good one. I feel strongly that once a choice has been made and the actions are carried out, we can never turn back and change it. Many people have been talking about time traveling and things like that. And that you want to change your path at that particular crossroad that you think will change your life completely... But in actual fact, you don't know what that path will bring you to. Who knows that choice is worse than what it is now. Christians believe that their choice is made in trust to God, and whatever decision they come to it is in God's will. In that sense, whatever the outcome, God willed it. Sounds safe.

Buddhism however, believes in Karma. Everything happens for a reason, or because of a reason. Being a Buddhist, I think this is easier to grasp. My mother always tells me, things can be a blessing in disguise. There are many stories that come out from this quote. She left her handbag in a phone booth one time... And of course it was stolen. At that time, of course anybody would panic and stuff, but after some time, she realized that it could be a blessing. Well, for instance, she could have been robbed or whatever done to her if the bag was with her. It was night and she was alone in a foreign place. Of course we can't tell what the outcome would be if did remember to take her bag, but my point is, it could mean a good thing that she did. Everything happens for a reason. Call it God's will, call it Fate, call it Prophecy, call it co-incidence.

That's why I don't pray. I don't ask for things. I believe that we are responsible for our own lives. Whatever we do, whatever the decision, it will firstly and finally affect us. And in between, it will affect those around me. This is Karma, for me. Karma, of course is not just good things, but bad things. So, my motto? Do good. without any intentions attached.

I summarized all the religions into one, picking out the similarities and that motto is what I came up with. I was told that I was arrogant to think so. It came as a shock. I didn't feel that it was considered arrogant, but I guess but thinking I'm better than all the other religions and coming up with my own conclusion... And that is how I choose to live my life.

Another thing about choices is the freedom that comes with it. Lately there has been some disagreements with the IMU dress code. Some say it's too strict. If you really listen to some, they are logical, and to other, just purely absurd. It is a choice, but somehow if their wants are not in the choices that are provided, they'll complain. Come on, it's wear formal clothes, in different colour and style. That is the choice, not whether to wear jeans or pyjamas. Stick to the rule, for goodness sake!

Another complaint was made by our batch rep, regarding the timetable. She felt that the courses are overlapping. By overlapping I guess she meant that the lectures for Renal are before the End of course assesment for Repro. Maybe the CSU sessions too. Logically, yes, I guess it's a basis for complaint, BUT

In my opinion, the time table do suck, and the only difference is that I want the exams to be directly after the last lecture, maybe give a day more. And the lectures for the next course be after that paper. WHICH was what the admin did to our first system, the Endocrine system. But due to complaints (again!!!) The shifted it to the end of the week. And by doing so, the Repro lectures were before the test.

Other than that, I dont see a need to complain about the timetable. And, with the test brought foward, less people will skip the Malaysian Studies classes and we wouldn't be in trouble in the first place. Oh, and guess what, it's the same person again!!!

The choices are there, we just have to look forward slightly and think of what our decision will entail. I dont want less time to study for the finals. Time table stays.

It's been a tiring week.

I just finished playing Final Fantasy VII this afternoon. Reviews of the game is rated among the best of the FF genre, with great story line and gameplay. I say it is good, but not the best... of course after playing FF9, this was sort of a downgrade. FF9 was easier and for the life of me, I can't seem to remember what the game was about. I can only remember that it is not the same as FF7. In this game, the story is more linear and not much plot change. mind you, not plot twist, but plot change.

In FF7, the story revolves around Cloud, and his story of coming to being. If I look into the character, I somehow feel that there are certain similarities between him and me... Sometimes I feel like I am leading another person's life, and not being who I really am. In a way, we are both on a journey of discovery. Of course Cloud's is more science fiction and is with a dark past... He assimilated the life of his friend, and though I have not done so, I feel like my life isn't really my own. I act as if I am a different person, and sometimes I realise it, but after so many years of wearing this mask, I am not really sure who I really am. Am I this person who is kind and caring and friendly? or am I a jackass who is antisocial and needs nobody.

Yesterday, we had the Inter Religious Forum. I was the Co-Director and representing the Buddhist Society. The lesson that I learnt from my past experience with organizing the forum is to delegate work. That is the advice that was given to me so many times, and this time I did. And it sort of back fired. Though it was my nature to help people regardless of my well-being, I was being bossy, and I was almost completely ignorant about things that my society is supposed to do. I didn't know what was going on with the venue (thanks Mok), and I wasn't too happy about the booklet design. The reason why I don't like putting people in charge of things is because I want things my way. Some might say I want the credit, but I do get critism too. I don't really know why I want it my way, but I do. That I don't know, whether it is my character or not, good or not. Anyway, the booklet layout was done (thanks CK) and I just tweaked it up a bit. I wasn't really impressed with what I've done, but I guess it will suffice.

Anyway, the running of the event went smoothly I suppose. Apart from the weeping walls, everything was as it was planned. And in the end, we got a quite good response and good comments strolled in. I am happy, but somehow I didn't feel content. I still haven't found my purpose in life. I have told Caryn about what my objective in life is, which was to just do good. I feel it is noble, yet I do not want it to be a conscious effort. I am not doing things to look at the rewards, or to glorify myself. I'm doing things because I like helping out. Perhaps that is the reason I took Medicine. I want to help...

After the forum, I went back with a missing piece. I couldn't find it. I tried talking to some friends, but I didn't want to disturb them so much. There wasn't much that I could do to fill that emptiness. How do you describe it? I just want to curl up on someone's lap and suck on my thumb, while that somebody gently strokes my head and tell me that I've done good. Call it God, call it Mother, call it Evelyn, call it friends. I needed it but I didn't get it...

Anyway, another game is off of my gaming list and I'm moving on to the next: The Longest Journey.

A tale of a girl, who is constantly being brought from one dimension to one other. One of science, one of nature. Strangely it is like a logical world of men, and a chaotic balanced world of women. Kinda like how I feel. I was reminded on Monday, how much I was like a girl, though I am a boy. And constantly I am going back and forth between these two worlds, one of harsh cruelty of men, and the other of caring, understanding nature of women...

Strangely how all the games I play is making me think...

And, from visiting Grace's blog, I am now getting paranoid that I have Denggue. How ironic that we find ourselves diagnosing ourselves with diseases that we just learnt but are afraid still to go to see a doctor to get diagnosed. I got this from watching Scrubs, and House MD... Our lecturer has told us before of a story of a doctor who shant aside a lump in her breast and died of cancer a few months later. It's quite ironic that we can preach to patients about how they should handle their health when we don't really take care of our own bodies. How do you advice a patient on the detrimental effects of smoking when you yourself smoke? Or how they should excercise to avoid heart problem when you are obese and sit in a office all day?

Well, it's getting too long.. I'll blog on my experiences in the CF camp next...