Schizophrenia. Part 1

I cannot trust anyone. I am my own man. A wise old man once said, "If you didn't go looking under the bed, the monsters won't be able to get you." I laughed at that, and now I regret ever looking. The more I dug, the more I found and it is eating my very soul...

I used to be a successful man. I had a career, I had a family, I had a life. Everyday, I would wake up, make love to my wife, spend breakfast with my kids, make another successful sale at work, and be home for dinner and to kiss the kids goodnight. I had friends who enjoy watching a good baseball game on tv over a few cans of beer. Life was good.

I cannot pin point where it all went downhill. But if I had to put an event or day to it, I would say it was the estrange phone call I recieved from my brother. His voice was trembling, as if Death was behind him, as if the world was going to end. I could not make sense of what he was trying to tell me, "...dogs are watching ... they know ... it is not what it seems ... the pier ... the fish are your friends ..." It was all nonsense, but being a brother, I called the acute crisis line on him. He died a week later in his own room at the asylum. It was put down to suicide, but I was not convinced.

I felt guilty. I was the one who put him there. But I slowly realised that what he had been saying all this time was true. As I visited the asylum to claim his body, I could hear the men in black suits and dark sunglasses even though it was 40 degrees indoors. They were saying that the task was completed, that the Dogs were unhappy that they had to clean it up. I had to investigate further, to seek redemption for what I had done.

It spiraled downhill from then on.

I made enquiries and searched every archive that was within my reach, to find out what Dogs mean. I searched every spelling I could think of, DAWGS, DOGCE, DOCKS... with no avail. Just when I was heading home from the library, I saw the men in similar suits outside. I slowed my pace, trying to get the gist of their conversation. The caught me eaves dropping and quickly walked away, pretending that they had a phone call. I knew they were spying on me. Dogs are watching. All I heard was "Bulls and the North Pole." I cracked my head what it was in relation to Dogs.

I was engrossed in my detective work. I called in sick. I did not go to bed, and I did not see my kids off to school. My wife tried to ask me what was going on, but I could not admit to her that I was responsible for my brother's death. I guess it was my fault also, but she started seeking help from other friends... And because of that I started to see who she really was...

...to be continued...

Patient

Patients. Patience. I am intrigued that the two words sound the same. Patient, Patient.

Could it be that the patient have to be patient to be seen by a doctor? Well, I think its more likely that we doctors have to have patience with patients.

I'm currently on the psychiatric ward. Patience is what I need to get by. Sometimes, I feel like slapping them really hard. Sometimes I want to bang my head to the wall.

I rememebered that I sat in with a patient and we talked for almost 2 hours. I never spent that much time, even as a student. It was a complete waste of time, though I did manage to get more information from that interview, but it was still time wasted. At the end of it, I had to give up. After I reported what happened, my consultant told me to maintain a professional distance, choose your battles wisely.
So never again will I get too involved in my patients. I am there to be their doctor, not their friend.

I used to cold, when I was a medical student. I tried not to get drawn into the patients' lives and had no heart whatsoever. They told me as a student I had to have a good amount of passion towards the job, as it will dwindle as I progressed. I don't think it has dwindled at all. I seem to care more. I don't want to do my patients wrong. I want to help them.

But. Idiots fall sick. Sadly, idiots fall sick more often than not. Drug users mostly. Smokers. Obesed. Narcissists. There is a lot of them to go around. Too many. And although it is painful to treat them, we have a duty of care. And we get abused because of it. I am used to being a 'Yes man.' And I see myself continuously being stepped on. Will I still have that patience and passion?

Anyway. I don't know if I should feel troubled, when I start believing my patients' delusions. Is my heart too soft?

1 Month

I've been on slightly over one month of service in TQEH. There are good days, there are bad days. I don't feel that I have learnt anything, but I know I have been approaching other people for help less. I guess I am learning something but there is never enough knowledge.

Last week was a really interesting week. A lot of things happened which makes life seem a bit more enjoyable.

I managed to catch 2 movies, "Up in the Air" and "Valentines Day." Up in the Air is an interesting movie, basically about a guy who tell other people about their bright future and yet not harboring any future of his own. When he did think about a future and changed his way of life, things really did not end up well for him. I don't know whether to agree to not change your way of life, or to change it for the sake of a girl. Twice it appeared in the movie, following a girlfriend/boyfriend to a possible future ended up bad for them. Even from personal experience, I felt that I have followed other people's decision and it did not always turn out so good for me. So I am more inclined to say, "stick to your own future." If the relationship ends, then it is not meant to be. If it continues, then there might be a chance... whether you want to take that chance...

The second movie's title speaks for itself. It is essentially a larger intricate web of stories revolving around cliche themes of Love and Romance, similar to "Love Actually" but Americanized. However, it was a really good movie and I really enjoyed watching it. It starred an all star cast and I would recommend watching it if you are a hopeless romantic.

This was the first time I watched movies in the cinema this year, all thanks to Evelyn who decided to spend her week off from work to visit us in Adelaide. It was really fun to have her around again, kinda like having our old gang back in Perth. I really missed those times and I am really looking forward to going back to Perth for graduation.

Sadly, Evelyn could not stay long and had to leave right before we had our "Reunion" Dinner at Wei Shen's place, despite my efforts to pay for her ticket back, like what we did for the Singapore trip. Of course, due to unforseen circumstances and unfortunate events, it was probably better that she went home early. Anyway, we had really good food, and even had our Lo Shang which was a little token to remind us of home. It was great fun playing Taboo and Mafia. It was really a new family away from my Perth family away from home...

That, and an excruciating workout session at the gym leaving me in all sorts of pain at the moment. That's my eventful week. Hoping my life continues to be this interesting.

Jim

I was introduced to Jim last week. At first, I thought to myself, no harm in just knowing Jim. It would just be a casual meeting and we would both part our ways and never to see each other again. In fact, I was so unmotivated that I forgot that I had made an appointment with Jim.

I was half asleep on the bus, as I made my way back to the city. It was a long and tiring day, despite it being only a Psychiatry rotation. Things did not go my way throughout the day. All I wanted to do was to go home and lie down in bed. Strangely, I opened my eyes just to check that the bus was not going the wrong direction, and at that moment, my eyes caught Jim as the bus drove past. Only then I remembered that I had to meet up with Jim that evening.

I could have continued going and just missing Jim. It wasn't a big deal if I didn't go, but I decided 100 meters later to press the bell. I got down with still doubts about going to this meeting. The more I thought of it, the more I became reluctant. But I continued walking to Jim.

Jim was quite nice, it turned out to be. Jim is well equipt with the latest stuff and I could see myself enjoying being around Jim. There was so much that we could do. Jim even reassured me that I can visit whenever I want, and do whatever I feel like doing. Jim only charged a reasonable amount, for me to enjoy the facilities which he provides. A small price to this relationship I was about to take.

Eventually, without much persuation, I signed my name and I became a friend of Jim.

I walked away realising what I had done, but I could not think of what the consequences will be for being Jim's friend.

I didn't really think about it much after, but Jim called me a few days later to set another meeting. I went, half excited, it being my first time, and mostly nervous as how I would perform. I was out of touch with all of it and I have not done it in a very long time.

However, it went quite smoothly, and I was proud of myself. I used to be able to do so much more, and I am just hoping to get back to that level. I hated it when my friends assumed that I was weak, without knowing me or what I am capable of.

After that session, I went to another one of Jim's services. It was a half dance, half workout session. I really enjoyed the session, but I was such a beginner that I had difficulty following everything that they were doing. But it really brings back memories of numerous dance practice sessions back in IMU and in Singapore. I really want to go back into dance...

Anyway, that was my experience with joining the Gym.