Wednesday, December 09, 2009

The Tides

I refrain from using the word "roller coaster" to describe how I have been these past few weeks, and instead, I am using "the Tides" as my title. Partly because I couldn't spell the word 'coaster' but also because I think I was stagnant and it was not a ride.

I finished my final exam exactly 1 month ago. For the others, it was the last exam they will ever have. For me, it was just the beginning of the end. It was the beginning of the long train of goodbyes, people leaving me as they head off for their well earned holidays. This is why I cannot use 'roller coaster' as I am the one stationary and others are zooming around me. The exam was hellish, one of the more difficult exams I've been through... But eventually, I got the good news the week after with the phone call.

I've dreaded phone calls for a long time, especially since I failed my 5th year the first time round, and recieving 2 calls saying that I failed. This phone call was not as bad, and was more of good news to me. I already knew that I had to resit a couple of assessments long ago, and it was not a surprise to me. Even more good news was that I only had to do 2 weeks instead of the 4 weeks as planned previously. This would mean that I could have some time to have a short holiday. I have to say, though I still fear phone calls, I enjoyed recieving that one.

After that, there was the Dedication ceremony. That was goodbye to many of my friends, many of which I would probably never see ever again apart from the Convocation next year. I could not dedicate with them, I could not be up there to hear my name called, I could not be proud to have my parents in the crowd to cheer me on. I had to rush to obtain as many friends' signatures as possible, and in the process forgot to spend time with the people that mattered the most to me. It was a happy occasion, but it was a really sad day for me then, very emotional... I almost cried...

The following Monday, I started my remediation. Again it was many ups and downs. Scared by the consultant and got grilled, but had a good time in the wards. A different consultant marked my assessments, which gave me better marks than I expected, but I had to show my log book and got grilled again. I was pretty broken at the end of it though. But I got through.

I finally made it. I finally graduated from 6 1/2 years of Med School. The relief was overwhelming. I was happy that I have passed. I was nervous of starting afresh in Adelaide.

That was a Friday... and I had no hopes of getting home early. And I grew sad that I could not meet up with my friends in Singapore. I grew sad that I had said goodbye to everyone, especially to those whom I will really really miss. I miss them already...

Friday, they promised that I would get the documents ready on Monday. But Monday, the deans were busy with the 5th years' results. Tuesday, they still were busy... I was already half annoyed by then... But they finally gave me a call at lunch time and had it all prepared for me. And that was it. I was done. Officially, with documents and all, I was done.

I finally could book my flight home and pack all my things.

My life in Perth could fit in 4 boxes.

That was my 'ride'. So many ups and downs, more than what I could fit in here. Ironically I felt stagnant, like the tides, rising and falling throughout the day. I stay there, watching things come, and friends go. I never liked saying goodbye, and I said it more often tham I would have liked. I am really going to miss all of you. I am emotionally drained, but the burden have finally been lifted off my aching shoulders. A chapter ends, and another one begins.

Tuesday, December 01, 2009

Vivendi ratio, Moriendi ratio, Amandi ratio, Pugnandi ratio

I feel that most apocalyptic movies try to potray different aspects of the end of times, mostly the good human qualities such as honour, justice, heroism, self-sacrifice... But 2012 showed many other real human reactions. Despite the cheesey storyline and exagerated graphics (which were still cool), I acually kind of like it.

How would you handle the end of days? Living life as there is no tomorrow? Drowning yourself in indulgence? Taking your own life to prove that you are stil in control? Doing what is good and right until the end? Congregate en mass in prayer? Make amends with long lost relationsships? Spending every last seconds with someone you love and care about?

What are you willing to do before the end? What are you willing to give in order to survive?

In 2012, they could only save a selected few. Who would you choose? This was like selecting the 23 people for the next Zion in the Matrix. You would want the brightest scientists, best leaders... I would also think they will select workers and fit and healthy people. But in reality, to undertake such a project, they needed so much funding that they have to sell seats to the rich and famous as well. And some of the rich and famous are not nice people... I felt that it became more of a political, business-like situation, which tickles me a lot.

It was so also hilariously iconic to see cameos of famous figures. Imagine a moderately obese lady with in a blue English schoolgirl outfit and matching blue bowler hat, carrying a big typically old lady handbag dragging her 2 Welsh Corgie dogs. Imagine an Autrian sounding blond in front of a podium annoucing to the people of LA that everything is alright.

Anyway, there were also many miniscule plots which at first I thought just wasted time, but actually potrayed these human reactions and added to my experience of the show. They could have done more destruction and less of the adventure stuff in the movie.

There were also many interpretations of the movie which I found interesting. Like how the 3 major developed continents (save Australia); North America, Europe, and Asia were the ones that made it... just like Christopher Columbus and his 3 ships found America... and how they ended up going to Africa, where human life first begin...

Concurrently, this movie just reminds me of my last two weeks here. It was all about goodbyes. I would probably never see any of my friends here in Perth anymore, not for a very long time. I hate to say goodbye to the people I care about. I said too many goodbyes these last two weeks. I am exhausted with all emotions that I have been feeling. I wish that we all can be in same ark, to start our new working lives together... I don't know what I would give to have that.

I will miss all of you...

Friday, November 13, 2009


What if you had a glimpse of your future, down to the very feeling you will be having at that point in time? What if you felt so sure that this ‘future’ you experienced will come true? Would you strive your best to achieve that ‘future’? Or would you do whatever you can to prevent it from coming true? Or would you just let time runs its course?

Is our future set in stone, with every second of our lives already been predetermined? Or does our future change depend on what we do? Does everything we do determine what effect will happen in the future and what we do is an effect of what happened in the past? Is the future then, theoretically calculatable with all the factors, internal and external, considered?

Can time not be a linear progression? Or is it an ever diverging multiverse, creating alternate universes where different scenarios are occurring?

All of these questions arose in my head just by watching the first 10 minutes of the show FlashForward.

Everyone in the world experienced the world in 6 months time, and with all the information gathered, they were painting a mosaic of what it would be like. Everyone could log in, share their experience and affirm what other people have posted, and creating a clear picture of the future.

Sounds easy enough, but what the show constantly debates about is whether this future is the real future or just a possibility of a future, or just a dream... I am intrigued about the idea of time travelling, may it be via a modified Delorean, or a stationary machine with a window for which you can watch time pass you by. However when it comes to the age old paradox of, “If you travelled back through time and killed your grandfather, would you be born to commit such an act?” and “If time travel is possible, why haven’t we seen anyone from the future?” I have a hard time taking a stand.

On the one hand, I like the idea of linearity, everything that will happen, has happened. Getting a visit from a future you means you will be going back to visit in the future. You won’t be able to kill your grandfather no matter what you tried, and your grandfather can tell you of the tale that someone tried to kill him. I like the idea of Chaos Theory, Butterfly Effect, or Ripple Effect, where one small event would have sequential causes and effects which eventually leads us to where we all are now, and will continue to cascade to our futures. It does also get depressing when you think about it, that whatever happened in the future, will happen and there is nothing you can do about it. In other words, whatever you have done or are doing, it will lead up to that future.

On the other hand, I wish that time travelling can happen, so that we can ascertain the truth about what happened in the past. Is the earth really 6 billion years old? Did the chicken come first? Did Sam really steal my crayon? I also wish that I can travel to the future, just for curiosity.

The closest possible technology I can think of to allow time travelling is cryonics. Of course it doesn’t work the other way around…

Anyway, it doesn’t stop me from wanting to know my future in 6 months time, even if it is just for 2 minutes and 17 seconds.

May this series fare better light than Lost is now…

Tuesday, November 03, 2009


I used to know a lot of things. I even called myself ‘Jack of all Trades, Master or None,’ because I know a little about everything, but nothing more than that. I cannot claim something to be my forte. But even now, I cannot claim the title of ‘Jack.’

Of course I haven’t been reading as much as I used to, indulging myself in trivial entertainment. There is simply too much to know about everything. I am guessing that there is more studying needed to know a little about everything than to study a particular subject.

Which brings me to the point, I need to study. My exams are just a few days away.

Anyways, it is not stopping me from planning for after exam activities, which mainly include visual entertainment. This is a list of movies that are I want to watch (in no particular order):

the informant
up in the air
from paris with love
a christmas carol
alice in wonderland
couples retreat
did you hear about the morgans
fantastic mr fox
the vampire's assistant
cloudy with a chance of meatballs
new moon
one good man
adventures of power
julie and julia
blind date
white on rice
peter and vandy
gentlemen broncos
the boys are back
pretty ugly people
the box
the men who stared at goats
the lovely bones
the blind side
the wolfman
the forth kind
youth in revolt
brief interviews with hideious men
how to seduce difficult women
book of eli
toy story 3
law abiding citizen
black dynamite
you cant handle the tooth
oh my god
bad lieutenant
serious moonlight
the flying scissors
valentine's day
humble pie
the imaginarium of doctor parnassus
the messenger
that evening sun
stan helsing
splinterheadsthe road
everybody's fine

Now, back to studying.

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

An Excerpt

...At first I could not accept your reasons for leaving me. You meant the world to me. I give you everything I had and I would even bring back a piece of the moon if you asked me to. I gave you my heart, but all you did was to stab it with a rusting serrated knife. It hurts so much when you left me. You created in me a big gaping void that I cannot fill up. I have tried everything, but I only seem to have made it even bigger.

You left me in a blazing desert, under the scorching sun. I feel like a dried up pile of bones with no will to carry on. All I can see are illusions of you in the horizon, illusions that I cannot reach even if I tried. Even when the sun sets, I am stranded in the cold lonely night. My tears have all dried up, and I cannot sleep with the feeling of sand in every crevace of my body. I feel like my blood had also turned to sand, making my heart ache with every beat. I tried hating you for leaving me this way, but I cannot blame you for it. I am my own fault, and you deserve better.

I am pathetic. I am tired of crying all night and bothering the people I know. They would eventually leave me, just like you did. I am all alone with no one to care about me. I long for a gentle hug, but nobody would even approach this hideous fiend that I have become. I don’t even recognize my face in the mirror anymore. The loneliness is already eating me, like an overpowering shadow creeping up on me, taking every sense of light that once gave me hope.

I have no more hope. I have no more feelings. I am numb, and I hate being this way. I am drowning in the dark waters, not being able to see which side is up, but I can feel that I am sinking deeper and deeper into the dark chasm. I am suffocating; every breath I take is saturated with poisonous fumes and every breath I give, I feel like a part of me is leaving. I cannot see the light anymore.

I know nobody would notice if I am gone. Even if they do, they would probably find a replacement in an instant. I've done my best, but it is never enough. I am dispensable and I feel like an overused, crumpled up piece of scrap paper at the bottom of the rubbish bin. I find myself waiting for the incinerator to turn on, to finally end my pathetic life. I really don’t see a point in living anymore.

There is nothing left for me in this world. I have lost my purpose. I am a failure. I cannot keep up with even the simplest of tasks. I feel stupid. I hear my conscience telling me that I should keep trying, but I know that it is pointless to continue. Everything that I have done has gone unnoticed or ridiculed. There is always something wrong, and I can never make anyone happy, especially you. I am just wasting everyone's time by being here. The world will be a better place without me in it.

The closest analogy that I can think to explain how I feel is like I am being mauled by a lion. I am contemplating proving that theory. It would be soothing to know that I would be in the company of the creatures I admire, but I do not deserve to be happy when I die. I deserve more unforgiving pain for my failures...

~This is purely a fictional writing. Any resemblance to person(s) contemplating or have already committed suicide is purely co-incidental.

Friday, October 09, 2009

Its better to have love lost, than to have never loved at all... BUT...

Should I smile because you're my friend? Or cry because that is all we will ever be?

There are times when I can't decide whether to see you or not, I want to see you because I miss you but there are times when I don't want to see you because everytime I do, the fact that you don't see me the way that I see you hurts me even more...

A million words would not bring you back, I know because I've tried.
Neither would a million tears, I know because I've cried.

Forget the times you walked by,
Forget the times you've made me cry,
Forget the time you held my hand,
Forget the sweet things if I can,
I can no longer pretend,
I have to remember now that you're just a friend.

When I look at you my heart skips a beat but later that beat could mean a lifetime of tears wasted on something I knew I could never have

How can you be friends with someone if every time you look at them it makes you want them even more?

My heart was taken by you, broken by you and now is in pieces because of you

Its hard to tell your mind to stop loving someone if your heart still does.

Even when I pour my heart out to you, I'm not sure it shows, that I love you more than you'll ever know.

Sometimes it's hard to love someone because you're so afraid of losing them

I was reborn when you first kissed me. Part of me died when you left me. But now I still live, waiting for the day you return to me.

The hardest part of dreaming about someone you love is having to wake up.

There is one pain I often feel which you will never know because it is caused by the absence of you.

Who do you turn to when the only person who can stop you from crying is the one who is making you cry?

I understand that with loves comes pain, but why did I have to love so much?

The part that hurts me the most, is knowing that I once had you and then lost you...

The worst feeling in the world is giving all the love you have and knowing it will never be returned.

Its hard to pretend you love someone when you don't but its harder to pretend that you don't love someone when you really do.

How do you heal a broken heart? I have no idea where to start because everything I do reminds me of you.

Have you ever noticed that the worst way to miss someone is when they are right beside you and you can never have them?

As I sat here I was trying to think of all the times you hurt me and made me cry... Hoping and wishing it would make me like you less. But it didn't. Because all the times I could remember were the ones when you showed me that you cared... I didn't want to believe that you ever did. You walk by me everyday and say hello. Everyday you take time out to listen to me. You talk to me, smile at me, laugh with me, and have fun with me. Well, I talk, smile and laugh too, but inside I'm hurting. Deep down it hurts to be with you because I love you and you are only a friend.

The weirdest thing happened the other morning... I woke up with tears in my eyes... and one rolling down my cheek... and I knew I must have been dreaming of you again.

I'm not supposed to love you, I'm not supposed to care,I'm not supposed to live my life wishing you were there, I'm not supposed to wonder where you are and what to do, I'm sorry I can't help myself, I'm in love with you.

You're not worth the tears, you're not worth the heartache. I don't know why I give you the time. You're not worth the pain, you're not worth the emptiness. I don't know why I wish you were mine.

One day you'll ask me, "which is more important to you, me or your life" I'll say, "My life" and you'll go and leave me with out knowing that you are my life...

I'm sorry for crying over you, because I said I wouldn't. But I didn't promise you that, because I knew it would be a promise I would never be able to keep.

Nothing hurts more than realising she meant everything to you, but you meant nothing to her.

Never say "I love you" if you don't really care,
Never talk about feeling if they aren't really there.
Never hold my hand if you're going to break my heart.
Never say you're to, if you never plan to start.
Never look into my eyes if all you do is lie.
Never say hello, if you really mean goodbye.
If you really mean forever, then say you will try.
Never say forever 'cause forever makes me cry.

Taken from Really Sad Love Quotes
Inspired to collect by (500) Days of Summer

Monday, September 28, 2009

Funny Story

I felt lucky tonight. We've been going out for more than 2 years already and I have been dying to hear him pop the question. He has been hinting about a special dinner date and even bought me nice jewelry for the occassion. Only I don't know what the occasion is.

"I'm sure of it." That's what all my girlfriends say. "He's the one."

I tried on a few dresses that night. It was so hard to choose the right one for tonight. I don't want to look too sleezy, but I don't want to look too casual. I wanted something that said, I'm serious about this. It took a while, but I got there in the end. I know he likes white, so I went with my silky white skirt and lacey white blouse. It took me another hour for the make up and hair, but it was worth it.

I got to the rendezvous point and he was there waiting for me patiently. I greeted me with a warm hug and a peck on my cheek.

"Hi Princess. You look great." I smiled back. "Shall we?"

I nodded as my heart raced even more. We were headed to a classy restaurant! He really did go all out for this night. I'm sure of it now.

Dinner went uneventful. Thoughts were racing through my mind, of how he would propose. Would it be the ring in the champange? Or a strong of violins? Or just a speech and getting down on his knees in front of everyone. My heart beat so fast, I thought I was going to faint. The anxiety was just overwhelming.

Dinner ended and nothing happened. I can't say I was disappointed. I know he still had a whole night planned ahead, but I thought that the restaurant would be a more romantic place. He'd better live up to my standards.

As we walked out the door, a gust of cold wind blew past us. As if a reflex, he gave me a squeeze which restored my faith in him, instantly warming me up despite the cold air. I smiled again.

Then, when I least expect it, he got down on his knees.

I couldn't help but I burst out, saying how much I love him and how much I wanted this to happen. I was saying Yes before he could say anything.

Then I realised that he was looking at me with a perculiar look.

"Isn't that what you wanted to say?"

"Honey... I am just tying my shoe laces..."

I Care

I want you to know, how much I care.
I want you to show, but only if you dare.
Your every happy every woe, every dream every nightmare.
Your every high and every low, I really wished you'd share.
I'll make it snow, if that is what you declare.
For you, I will go, just about everywhere.
For today and tomorrow, I'll always treat you fair.
My love can only grow, this I swear.

Saturday, September 26, 2009

The Last Dance...

Everyone looked pretty last night. And the night was beautiful.

But no one could compare to how beautiful she looked that night. I cannot even begin to describe her how she looked, but she looked good. No, she looked better than good; she looked great. She looked so elegant. It wasn’t that her dress was bold or daring, but she stood out in my eyes, I could spot her a mile away. She normally looked good without any make up on, but tonight, it augmented her natural beauty. All I wanted to do was to look at her and gaze into her eyes.

All I know is that she makes me feel nervous. I don’t know what to do, I don’t know what to say, I don’t know how to act. I never said how nice it was to see her. I never complimented how good she looked in her dress. I never really told her how I felt and how she made me feel. Her mere presence just makes my heart race. Her radiance fills my insides with warmth but I would still shiver.

I wished that I had more time; more time to warm up and dare myself. I needed more time to loosen up, to let go the weight that is on my shoulder, to stop worrying about everything that had went on in my life, everything that has yet to come. I couldn’t do anything, and I didn’t do anything. And thus that is why I remained quiet. Maybe a few more drinks later. All I can think of is that I regret that the night had to end… but it had to end.

Balls are the one of the only times where everyone can dress up. And I really appreciate the effort that all the girls put up yesterday. They all looked so good in their dresses with their hair-dos. It was really a great night.

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Growing old

1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.
2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone...
4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and
parents will. Stay in touch
5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.
8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.
9.. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.
10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.
12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.
13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
14. If a relationship has to be a secret,you shouldn't be in it.
15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks.
16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.
19.. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.
20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.
21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.
22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.
23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.
24. The most important sex organ is the brain.
25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.
26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words 'In five years, will this matter?'
27. Always choose life.
28. Forgive everyone everything.
29. What other people think of you is none of your business.
30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.
31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
32. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
33. Believe in miracles.
34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.
35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
36.. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.
37. Your children get only one childhood..
38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's,we'd grab ours back.
41. Envy is a waste of time.. You already have all you need.
42. The best is yet to come.
43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
44. Yield.
45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift.

Written By Regina Brett, 90 years old, of The Plain Dealer, Cleveland , Ohio

Saturday, August 15, 2009

Adventures in Albany - Day 26

This would be my last weekend here in Albany. I thought of going to Denmark to visit the Dinosaur museum, but I was lazy to walk down and hire a car. Well, that and I'm broke and I haven't really done my log book.

Instead, I stayed in my room and watched anime. I watched a couple of animes to pass the time. By couple, I mean 3; and by anime, I meant anime series. I also typed out most of what I have into my log book, so I cannot say that I have wasted the whole day.

One of the Anime I've watched was Ride Back. It's a story about a ballet dancer who injured herself and was never to dance again. However, she manages to, through futuristic motocycles called Ride Backs. It's a motorcycle essentially, but is able to transform into a humanoid form on wheels. The computer balance system goes really well with sense of coordination, from her glory days as a dancer, such that she was able to pull off majestic stunts on it.

At first, it was a story of a girl struggling to cope with her downfall, and turning to riding this new invention by accident. However, the show slowly progressed into a war between an opressing government and a rebellion, with her in the middle. I got confused as who the target audience was, but I would think that only anime fans who just watch anime for the sake of watching anime would watch it. I would say it is more targetted for guys because of the cool machinery and battle scenes, but then it has many feminine qualities such as a female protagonist with a passion for dance.

Maybe, it was meant for the girls, but also attract the guys with graphics and explosions, kind of like adding a love scene in an otherwise action pack movie. Commendable effort this time.

I can't say which part attracted me more, but I did like the storyline; political/military oppression and media corruption, struggles with barriers in life, AWESOME IMAGINATION AND GRAPHICS.

How far are we from that kind of technology? It doesn't seem far...

Adventures in Albany - Day 25

Highlight of the day: I sutured my friend's grandma. I sms-ed him, and he thinks it's cool too.

The day started with normal ward rounds and sutures in the morning. I managed to signed off a procedural sheet for 3 sutures that I had done. Again, I really felt that I am doing something with these hands that God gave me. I started doing Medicine so that I can work with my hands and my brain. I feel that both represents my being. I don't have a golden figure, or a golden kick, or a golden voice, but I have my hands and my brain.

I've mentioned about my fear of getting dementia, or losing control of my brain and thinking. I don't think I have mentioned much about my hands. I like craftwork. I started out liking origami, which slowly branched out to other art stuff, including drawing and paper crafts. I slowly branched into beads, and jewelry at the beginning of the year. I am proud of what I have done, but I do wish that I can use them for something much more useful.

That's how I first got interested in Medicine. I wanted to do surgery. My second choice was dentistry, where again, there is a bit of handwork. When I failed to get into either course in NUS, I went to IMU, with the intention to be a surgeon in Singapore. I didn't like the racism in Malaysia, and I never wanted to go back there. Singapore was the next best thing and I really liked it there. However, IMU being in Malaysia, I had no choice if I wanted to be a surgeon.

In IMU, I had less chances to use my hands, but I still did arts and craft. I still have a model Titanic with weekly parts that I have to finish, but I never had the time to complete. Model making was the next handiwork I could do with my hands and I enjoyed it. Now that I think back, it really deviated a lot from what I initially started out with.

Then, I came to Perth. I really enjoyed scrubbing in and taking part in the surgeries I observed. I liked to watch the surgeon's nimble hands doing sutures, tying 5-0 and 6-0 threads onto blood vessels or doing perfect subcuticular stitches. Despite that, I had really little experience doing the sutures myself. Neither surgical terms I had allowed me to do that.

However, when it comes to being in ED and GP, and having a GP who lets me do stuff, I managed to finally do what I wanted to do all these while.

The question now is: Where do I go from here.

Friday, August 14, 2009

Adventures in Albany - Day 24

After disappointing news yet again from the job agencies in WA and NSW, the chances of me staying in Perth is no longer visible. I would have to either take up the job offer I have in Singapore, or to attempt to contact other states in Australia where I did not apply. I never had the intention to leave Perth, but to leave Australia entirely is a different question. I still could not decide which is better; to go back to my original plan to work and live in Singapore nearby family and familiar territory, or to venture forth into the unknown but still be in the health system of Australia.

Conclusion still pending.

Apart from that, its a small victory for me in GP land. I finally got a praise, albeit sarcastic in nature, that I do know something at least, from my 6 years of training. They say that you can throw away half the stuff you learnt back in pre-clinical years, but this year, I find myself going back to the stuff that I memorized so hard to pass my exams in IMU. They are called fundamentals for a reason and I have to revisit mine in order to get through this year at least.

Even the basics of explaining to patients what a disease is, proves to be a challenge. You can treat the disease all you want, knowing it inside out, but I still find it hard to explain to the patient without jargon and make them aware about their conditions and the basis of treatments. Basically, explaining the whole hour worth of lecture on a topic in 7minutes or less.

After GP, I took a detour, travelling on a different route to get back to the hospital.
Notes to self:
1. Don't travel in the dark through a graveyard if you don't want to be scared.
2. Don't stop to smell the roses (in this case stop to take photos of calla lilies) in the dark in someone's yard.
3. Don't give your home address to evangelists.

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Adventures in Albany - Day 23

It hurts to know,
You don’t feel the way I do,
It hurts to know,
There’s nothing I can do.

It hurts to know,
no matter how I feel,
or what I show,
My fate is already sealed.

It just hurts so much,
When I think about it,
Like my future and such,
The pieces just don’t fit.

It hurts to know,
I’ll be leaving,
It hurts to know,
I can’t do a thing.

It hurts to know,
I’ll no longer be with you,
Without your positive glow,
I find it hard to start anew.

It hurts so bad,
I cry every night,
It hurts, and I am sad,
To be in this plight.

It hurts to know,
That this could be the end,
That I have to go,
My love, my dear friend.

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Adventures in Albany - Day 22

Highlight of the day: Punch biopsy

Lowlight of the day: Staring into nothing at the end of the day.

I finished another Anime series, titled, “Zam’d,” a drama set in a fantasy world where North fights South with innocents in the middle, science versus religion, good and evil, cause and consequence, love and hate.

The pace was very slow, but it was intriguing to watch. Every scene added to a very rich storyline. Everybody had a role to play in the plot. Each character was developed nicely and their personalities really were obvious. What made me want to watch it even more, was the dynamics of each of the relationships between the characters. It seemed like everyone had a story of their own, and it intertwined with each other. The last few episodes revealed all of the relationship resolutions, dealing with all those conflicts.

I probably relate to it, because of those conflicts. I would probably call it internal emotional turmoil, having mixed feelings about myself and my surroundings. I almost cried at the last few episodes when each of the conflicts resolve. It is nice to know that there is an ending for everything, and that things will work out. No matter how much I want things to remain as they are, or change for the better, things can go the other way as well. But everything will be alright.

At least that is what everyone tells me.

Adventures in Albany - Day 21

Post holiday.

Having a car made me lazy, as I could stay up late and take my time driving down. I pumped petrol at a gas station all by myself (first time yo) and returned the car well before it was due. Driving was fun. I miss driving already.

Being able to drive means that I wouldn’t be depending on other people for transport. I can go anywhere I want, whenever I want, without any worry of what the driver thinks. It was like taking my own holiday during the weekend. I found myself stopping to wait on the whales to surface for minutes. For that brief 1 second worth of air spray and a glimpse of the dorsal fin, I can spend 20 minutes just standing there. I would also spend a great deal of time on taking a picture of a flower. I mean it is just a flower, I don’t know if anyone would share the same enthusiasm as I do towards macro shots.

I like flowers, I don’t know why. I don’t know since when either. I used to like taking photos of animals, but all my photos of them sucks the life out of them. They lay there inanimate and 2-dimentional. Maybe it is my technique of photography, maybe it is my camera, but I cannot seem to get the right shot. So I think I shall stick to flowers, where I can still capture their essence in a 2-dimentional picture. I am just thinking how many dimensions I need to capture if I want a good picture of an animal though.

Anyway, I managed to sit in with Dr. Knight today, just because Dr. Legget was on call and was not in the practice at the time. Having a much more enthusiastic teacher who lets me do things makes me feel more involved and I grow more confident by doing it. It was also a challenge to tell patients what diseases they have. I have never described Thrush or Hypertension to a patient before. I know what they are, I know what they can do and I know how to treat it. But it still feels weird to explain it to patients. Well, I have explained things to my parents, I guess that is a start.

This is sort of my final week of my term here in Albany. I really felt like I want to stay here in Albany a bit longer, or am I just regretting for wasting time earlier. I have to stop taking the good things for granted and missing out on opportunities when they come knocking.


Monday, August 10, 2009

Adventures in Albany - Day 20

It is a wonderful day.

And all I could think of is you.

I wished that you were here with me. More so, because I needed someone to take photos of me, but I also wish to share the moments with you.

I want to tell you how much I hated those who kill whales.

I also want to tell you that I also understand that people needed to earn a living from it.

But more importantly I want to know what you think about it.

I want to show off my knowledge of whales, of nature, to you. I want to show you how much I care about nature.

And I want to know how much you care.

I drove around the natural rock formations, wishing that you were navigating beside me.

And I wished that I could drive you around, instead of being driven.

I wanted to watch the waves with you, as they rhythmically splash into the rocks, creating mists of white. Just like my feelings are when I am with you, a sense of calmness among the haphazard chaos.

I want to know what your feelings were.

I felt like I could spread my wings and fly if you by my side, as I stood at the peak of the hill overlooking the peninsular.

I wanted to complain about how tired I am walking alongside the coast, but if you were there, I would only think about how the coast looks as beautiful you.

And finally, as I stood watching the sunset, I wish that I could sit through every sunset with you from this day on, till the end of days.

I wish there was a you.

Sunday, August 09, 2009

Adventures in Albany - Day 19

Depressing version:

I woke up too early for my taste, so that I can catch the sunrise. I kept making trips back and forth from my room to the car, forgetting small stuff like my jacket and glasses. By the time I was on the road, it was already quite bright, and I missed the first light.

When I got to my chosen lookout point, I could see the sun rising, but the sun was rising from the mountains, and not the sea as I thought it would be like. The weather was also cruel, being so cold and cloudy. I guess I should have gone to another location for me to catch the sun rising from the sea. But I was too late to go anywhere else.

Towards the end of sunrise, the rainclouds were already covering most of the morning sky. It even started drizzling as I drove back to my room. It didn’t look at all enticing weather.

I got on board the catamaran sail boat hoping that the weather will improve. We all sat down and listened to what the captain had to say. He gave a lengthy speech about random stuff, and after the other ships had set sail, we set off. Being set off late and trudging along at a slow pace, I could see the other boat in the distance. What irritated me was that there was a whale next to that boat and not ours. By the time we got close enough, the whale was moving away.

We decided to move to the deeper waters to find other whales. Though the captain had a good feeling that we might find whales at a certain spot, some guy on the boat thought he saw a whale behind us. So we turned around, away from the calmer waters to the deeper side. It was 30mins before we found anything. We tried to follow it, but it was moving away as expected. By then, it was already time to go back and so we did.

Oh yeah, my camera battery ran out 1 hour into the tour, before we saw any whales. I really wished that my camera battery lasted longer, and that I had more control over the functions of the camera, like focus and zoom. I also wished that I had more memory in the camera so that I can take endless shots without any worry.

Because of the chase that we did, we arrived back late, and I was too tired to go anywhere else fancy. So I went to the Amity Ship museum to see what was there. I had to pay $4 for the entry, and I learnt NOTHING from that. I didn’t get any good shots either. I listened to a relatively boring commentary about the origins of Albany and explored a claustrophobic ship. I got bored easily.

I ended up going back and taking a nap. By sunset, the clouds did not want to clear, so I decided not to go to the ANZAC memorials. The evening was partly wasted in the end.

Happier version:

I managed to catch the beautiful sunrise today. Despite it rising from the mountains instead of the sea, it was still beautiful. The sky turned from black, to blue, to red, to orange and back to sky blue. That’s half the spectrum of the rainbow, and that’s even before the sun was up. When the sun finally appeared, the sun rays pierced the darkness of the clouds and the land. It was really a sight to see.

I got back into the car when the drizzle started, and headed back to my room. I quickly downloaded the pictures I just took so that I can have an empty memory card for the whale watching tour. I had time to kill, so I went to upload them to facebook.

I don’t know whether I chose the right boat to be on, but I was sort of glad that I choose the catamaran. The skipper was a cheery person, who gave interesting stories and facts about his adventures. He gave facts about the surroundings and the wildlife that appeared throughout the journey. I liked the way he treated the whales not as exhibits but as living creatures with feelings and fears. I really admire him for that.

After spending time with our first encounter with the whale, we went to search for other whales. We managed to find one after an hour of searching. The whale actually jumped out of the water. It was really a sight that I wanted to witness for myself, but I never thought that I would actually see one. It was really a majestic sight, even though it was for a split second, and I would remember it forever. After following it around for a while, the skipper decided that we were bothering them more than anything, so we headed back, hoping to catch another whale or two.

Although we didn’t at least I managed to see whales in the wild. I was happy.

I went on to visit the other attraction in Albany town centre, the Amity Ship Museum. The ship itself was a disappointment, but the museum next door was much more exciting for me. I found out once more that I like natural history rather than human history. I don’t know why, but I find animal skeletons intriguing. It is not that I want to see lots of it, I just feel that these little things that makes me think about how much similarities we have with animals. I felt part of nature once again today, and that I am happy being on this Earth.

Saturday, August 08, 2009

Adventures in Albany - Day 18

07.08.09 Happy birthday, Evonne Toh. ^_^

I finally managed to rent a car for the weekend. My driving skills are a bit rusty, but I got used to the car after a while. I remembered that I was a bit more scared at driving back when I helped Evelyn rent the ute. I don’t know why I was ok this time round. Maybe because it is an automatic? But I had fun driving around today.

I have the weekend planned out. Tomorrow I will be starting with a whaling tour in a slight shower. Hopefully the whales come out to play like they have been doing lately. I remembered that I love Humpback whales. I hope to catch a glimpse of them at least. I hope I hope I hope.

I also watched a Ben Aflek movie on TV, Man About Town. The movie was the journal of Jack, a successful man in the script writing industry. At the beginning, they show him in a journal writing class, which intrigued me. Lesson two, write about your secrets. It really felt wrong, to write about things like that. Journals are meant to be personal, but in the event that it gets stolen, these secrets will be exposed, like in the movie. However, the more I think about it, these secrets are the essence of any good story. Jack tells us his secrets, and in the process, we learnt why his wife cheated on him, and why she still loves him. I really like the movie.

It told me how to write journals.
It told me about taking that leap and going for what you dream and not sit there waiting for someone to take it away from you.
It told me about forgiving and forgetting.

I like the scene where the two of them stood across each other, with a salt water fish tank in the middle. Although they were face to face talking, they really were an ocean apart. The ending though, showed them IN the very same tank, together at last. I dunno if the writers purposely put that in, but I was intrigued with what I found. Maybe I read too much into the movie, but I took many lessons from it.

I was annoyed though, because my father called me halfway to tell me about my niece, just as they showed the climax of the movie. I missed out on the revelation between the two of them. I missed out on the play of words used during their telephone conversation, as his responses were applied to multiple listeners. Now I have to get a copy of the movie so that I can watch it again.

At the end of the day, I commend on the script writers and the creators of the movie, for such an interesting movie. I hope that I can improve my journal writing skills. I feel like creating another blog, and make it an anonymous blog with really deep personal journal entries. Who knows…

Friday, August 07, 2009

Adventures in Albany - Day 17

It was kind of a depressing day for me.

It started out with a worrying dream/nightmare. I cannot remember the details of the dream but the feeling that you get after the dream lingered and it made me worry that something bad was going to happen. Perhaps it was just anxiety, but I don't know what of. May be it was nothing.

The day started with normal consults, with me realizing that I cannot get into the mode of a GP consult. It was annoying. I couldn’t think on my feet, and I struggled to keep awake most of the time.

There were a few familiar ‘difficult’ patients who make my day worse. There may be something going on, but the way they present themselves is really not appealing. They bring in every other aches and tingling sensation, obscuring the true definite symptom. Although I like the variety of GP, sometimes I just cannot or don’t want to handle these type of patients.

I just felt like an inadequate doctor sometimes when these things happen. Later in the afternoon, my GP kept sending me out on errands, which made me feel that he did not want me in the room. It felt like I was not performing as well as he would like and probably seeing me as disinterested. I am interested, I just don’t know how to act interested.

Maybe if there was something that I was really interested in, I would be more active and engaging, but after the mentally exhausting morning, I didn’t really seem to be able to get into gear. I guess it is just the fatigue that you get from taking a jog after not exercising for a long time. It is true that I am no longer fit, but am I no longer fit mentally?

At the end of the day, I was drained and I couldn’t do much else.

Even planning for an exciting weekend seemed impossible.

We’ll see…

Thursday, August 06, 2009

Adventures in Albany - Day 16

Today’s topic: Psychiatry.

My general theory for psychiatry now is thoughts. A crazy person thinks too much.

If the thoughts are generally sad ones, like guilt, worthlessness, and suicidal, then the person would become depressed.

If the thoughts are general happy and grandiose, then the person would be more manic.

If the thoughts becomes like a voice on its own, it becomes more like a schizophrenia type disorder.

Content of the thoughts, intensity of the thoughts and the frequency of the thoughts are what makes a person crazier than others. But we cannot not think, at least I can’t. I tried meditation before, and they told us to not think about anything, not to have any worries on our minds. I can’t stop thinking. I wasn’t thinking about my problems or anyone else’s problems. I just can’t stop thinking about things. I would be thinking about breathing, thinking about not thinking about anything, thinking about how dark it is, etc. Maybe I am crazy.

I just wish that my thoughts are focused so that I can pass my exams.

Joke of the day:
To a worker in a scaffolding business: “Hey, how are you holding up?”
I was laughing inside throughout the whole consult.

And I was also thinking of other greeting for other jobs:
To a deepsea fisherman: “Hi, business keeping afloat?”
To a Coles cashier: “Hello, everything checking out okay?”
To an exterminator: “So, what’s been bugging you?”
To a property salesman: “House everything?”

Wednesday, August 05, 2009

Adventures in Albany - Day 15

Today’s topic: Criminals.

Crime is bound by law, and is bound by what is considered the norm. If everybody thinks that murder is a normal thing, then it wouldn’t be a crime to do it. Every religion tells us to be peaceful, and that killing is wrong. However, just basic common sense is enough to keep you from breaking the law.

My conclusion is that all criminals are mentally ill.

That’s what I felt when I visited the prison again today. I guess it is in the Hippocratic Oath that I shall not discriminate who I doctor, but sometimes I do not feel like these crazy people deserve any medical treatment. It gets hard though, if we start labeling them as crazy, as they can use it as a defense against their action. But the fact still remains; no sane person will kill someone else.

On a lighter note, I had dinner with Dr. Tompkins and her family tonight. She took me on the scenic route from the city centre to the hospital, giving me a good view of Middleton Beach. It was really beautiful to see the beach and the ocean. All I needed now is time and transport so that I can enjoy the sun and sand more easily.

Dinner was simple, but I really enjoy being in a family environment. The dogs were extra friendly, and the children are just as shy. Dr. Tompkins read a few bedtime stories and I was actually intrigued by the stories and I was brought back to my own childhood with bedtime stories.

Actually, I cannot remember many bed time stories. I remember borrowing a book from the public library with 365 stories in it. It is mostly short stories, so it was a fast read. And given that I was probably 9 years old, I managed to read the entire book just in time to return it a week later. My parents encouraged us to read a lot. I guess they would have read a few to me. You can never place a price on books. I love books.

But nowadays I tend to pick my books. There are some that I cannot last reading, there are some that I cannot put down until it ends. I haven’t read any books of late. I brought a novel with me, titled, “The GoodFellas.” It is supposed to be a nice read, but I have to wait until I have the mood to read it. And yes nowadays I prefer watching stuff…

Tuesday, August 04, 2009

Adventures in Albany - Day 14

I really had fun in GP today, being able to take a few histories and examinations. I also managed to do a Pap smear. Sometimes I feel like I am on top of things, asking the right stuff, knowing what the patients want exactly, but other times, I couldn’t answer all of the GP’s questions. But as far as Diabetes, heart failure, or hypertension, the treatment is ABCD. It’s only which ABCD it is that is making me annoyed at myself.

A is for ACE-inhibitors or ARB, both can be used in all three conditions.
B is for Blood pressure and beta-blockers used to control it.
C is for Calcium Channel blockers, or cholesterol control.
D is for Diabetes treatment, Diuretics, Digoxin, and the all important Diet.

I do guess that these simple acronyms help a lot with remembering things, but not all things can have an acronym, and not all are easy to create. There are some acronyms that really make things easier, but there are others that make life more difficult sometimes. Oh well, I guess I can’t live without it.

Monday, August 03, 2009

Adventures in Albany - Day 13

The bright golden orb emerges from the depths of the cold blue sea, releasing rays of energy that pierces the darkness of the night, slowly illuminating everything in sight. It seems like life itself start changing from dull monochrome to full vivid colours as life should be. Beautiful flowers open up, doing their best, but futilely try to outbloom the majestic sun. The clouds try to taint and darken the glow, but are eventually overwhelmed by the greatness of light. The once cold ocean and sand eventually warm up in the mere presence of this sun. It is definitely a sight to see.

I even slept early last night so that I could go watch the sun rise, a rare sight on the west coast of Australia. I marvel at the beauty of nature, of the celestial bodies that surround us, but today it was lost to me. I couldn’t wake up.

I guessed there is always tomorrow, or next weekend. The sun wouldn’t die out on me, nor do I plan to die out on it anytime soon. I watched a few anime to kill time, and not before long, I headed out to the city. The reason for taking a 45min walk? To eat KFC and use Facebook.

I guess I can say I am addicted and socially deprived. However, I only got to talk to one person, Sue Yin. She was heading the Les Miserables outing when I got back to Perth. I have only heard about the play, playing the ensemble piece, singing Morisson’s version of “Do You Hear The People Sing,” and listening to “On My Own” when I am alone. I was really looking forward to watching it. I haven’t been into the Regal Theatre in Subi, and I do wonder how big the stage was, but I hope that it will be worth it.

But first, I have to pass my GP exam.

Sunday, August 02, 2009

Adventures in Albany - Day 12

I automatically woke up at 0730 today, despite sleeping relatively late last night. This would be my first weekend here in Albany, and the skies were clear and sunny. It was really great weather to be out there exploring, visiting the various touring sites and getting great pictures. I was really looking forward to a weekend of fun.

However, laziness set in and I ended up watching a Jap drama called “Puzzle”. It is about a manipulative English teacher in an elite boys’ school, where she, and 3 of the students take part in various riddle/puzzle competitions or mysteries mostly dealing with a play of words and Japanese characters. I guess it would be more captivating if I am versed in Japanese. I do like these puzzles/riddles and play of words, no matter what language.

That’s why I like watching Minami-ke and How I Met Your Mother and the like. Their puns and play of language really amuses me and amazes me of how brilliant and creative the human brain is capable of.

Also, I am also amused by the teacher’s acting, changing from a sweet innocent cheerful teacher, to a stuck up manipulative know-it-all. I am amused by how men especially, are easily fooled by a nice well mannered, innocent looking girl, giving in to the girl’s demands and requests. Personally I hate girls who are like that, giving me puppy dog eyes or a seductive pout to get what they want. Of course it is my fault for easily giving in to anyone’s demands; I just want to point out the wrongness in it. In the series, she managed to wiggle out of every tight spot, blaming the mishap to the 3 students and in the process, making her look good. Everyone else was oblivious to it, but she was pretty.

Anyway, that was my Saturday gone. All my plans to walk to the city to explore were taken over by this series.

In the evening, Finding Nemo was showing on TV and I was hooked onto it. Again, it is one of those Disney movies which I don’t mind watching again, more so since it was about animals. I wasn’t too sure about the truth about what is shown, but a lot of it mimics what happens in the animal world. Watching Dory and her forgetfulness also makes me wonder about memory loss and the inability to make new memories. In Memento, it was really distinct inability, but in the case of Dory, something stuck. I guess the same with 50 First Dates, that feelings will grow, but not the factual memory. Watching Dory was fun, but watching Marlin ignorant antics makes me angry at times. He doesn’t trust anyone but himself and his perception of the world. He doesn’t give anyone else the benefit of doubt, not even his own son. Of course it ended with Nemo being kidnapped, him embarking on an epic adventure, and him realizing his mistakes, etc. I guess it is another tip on parenting, to allow children to learn and grow on their own. Protecting is one thing, but overprotecting would be too much.

Saturday, August 01, 2009

Adventures in Albany - Day 11

I had a whole day in the hospital today. I started out in surgery, with laporascopic sterilizations and a vasectomy. The GP didn’t let me scrub in, but I guess I see his point of not being able to do anything nor get any closer. And yes, I don’t learn anything from it. I guess I just felt like I would feel more useful if I did. I guess that is how I feel nowadays. I don’t know whether my presence in this world actually makes a difference. I’m not suicidal, but I don’t think anything will change if I just disappear for a while…

Even for ED, I didn’t feel like I did anything. I still had to check with more senior staff about any diagnosis or treatment. I still lack the confidence in saying what I thought the actual diagnosis is, with a fear of getting the wrong diagnosis and getting a law suit on me. Probably one day I would be able to confidently say what I thought the diagnosis was like I do to simulated patients. For now, I struggle with the lawsuit at the back of my head. Am I ready for such responsibility?

I also called friends back in Perth just to see what they were up to. I am definitely the jealous type, seeing how the grass is always greener on the other side. I wished to be back there, so that I can have fun. But I guess I will have the weekend to enjoy my ‘holiday’ here in Albany. Like yesterday, I just wish that I can share this adventure with someone.

Tonight, I was able to catch the 4th Harry Potter movie on TV. I like the hair styles and costumes of the characters better than any other of the Harry Potter movies. Of course their acting was just as atrocious. I recognize the actor who played Cedric to the one that played the guy in Twilight. After having not read the book for so long, I had to watch the movie to understand it. However, I didn’t agree with most of the elements in the movie. Some things could have been done better, portrayed better, acted better. However, they sort of did a good job with the romance between Ron and Hermione. They first started it back in the third movie and in the forth book. Looking back, I did wonder why she was more in contact with Ron, staying over and writing more than with Harry. Perhaps that’s what happened.

I also managed to waste my time playing simple games, free from PC Powerplay. They are so simple, but yet addictive. These games were the “build-your-own-game” competitions which takes away most of the steep learning curve needed for games like Civilization, Ceasar, Final Fantasy, Mass Effect and the like. Those games take more time to develop, trying their best to impress their fans, and somehow made it not as original. However, I do like the stories they have in the RPG’s that I have played, something that isn’t there in the simple games.

Friday, July 31, 2009

Adventures in Albany - Day 10

My body is aching. I couldn’t do as much running or walking as I did yesterday, but I guess I wasn’t ready for this much work in such short period. I guess I have to take a day off running or walking tomorrow. Luckily I will be in hospital for the whole of tomorrow. I cannot imagine, that just 10 years ago, I was able to run 2.4km in less than 15mins with ease, do 12 chin ups, etc. I always thought that I could still do all that. Even back in IMU, I tried for the 100m dash. I did get a good timing, even though I had not done much exercise in a long time. I just thought that I would always be as fit as before. But that is just wishful thinking.

Apart from that, I saw really interesting things today. I started with an infant circumcision. It was different from what I’ve seen or experienced. The baby only required ONE nerve block. Whether it was effective or not, we’ll never know coz the baby cried anyway. They also had specialized equipment for it, a small plastic tube device, which allows the surgeon to just snip the foreskin off and not need any suturing at all. Maybe because it is an infant, but the procedure took less than 10mins. I do wonder sometimes, how it will feel or look like to have a foreskin after puberty. I do remember how it was like before my circumcision, but I guess I will never know. I also wonder how the boy would grow up not even knowing what having a foreskin feels like, and how he feel when he compares and finds out that he’s the odd one. Probably nothing, but that is just my curiosity.

After that, we went to the Albany Regional Prison. I saw another penis there. This time, it was a hypospadias. I’ve only seen minor penile abnormalities, but this hypospadias really span the entire shaft. If the shaft was shorter, and he had a smaller glans, I would really have mistaken it for a female vulva. I often have dreams of having an abnormal opening on my penis. It is just that weird feeling when you pee, and that you feel the urine on your side or clothes. It really made my hair stand, to see such deformities and somehow relate to it. But of course, I DON’T HAVE ANY ABNORMALITIES.

I ended my medical day with an actual vulva. She had 1st degree tears after giving birth to a huge baby with a squished nose. I was instantly reminded of coneheads and Chui Han’s story about how her head was deformed because of a forceps assisted delivery. After seeing the babies, I felt like I could become a GP obstetrician. When you get to know patients that way, I guess delivering their babies and managing them after really made me feel adequate, that I am doing something and seeing the results. I wondered whether my friends would let me manage their pregnancies though. It would be interesting.

Recreationally, Dr. deKlerk took me to the wind farm after the prison visit. The scenery there was spectacular. The windmills themselves were magnificent, towers of white standing tall in the sun. A dull humming, droning in the background as each blade sweeps pass amidst the cool breeze. Its shadow, equally big, eerily glide across the ground and bush, going round and round. It felt like if I could get a hold on one of the blades, I would be instantly tossed up in the air and I would glide into the air with much ease. Of course, if I let go at the wrong time, I would fall straight into the ground.

The sea view was also breathtaking. Torbay had a nice stretch of rocky beach near the wind farm. I was told that when the tide is low, there would be nice spots on the rocks for fishing. However right now, the tide was high but the waves were more than enough to satisfy my. The waves broke haphazardly, almost in a rhythmic song. The waves looked tall, forming the tunnels they’ve always shown on TV. I loved to see the luminous glow of the waves as they thin out before they break into a white mist. I felt that I could stay there for hours, just enjoying the view. I just wished that I could have shared it with somebody.

Thursday, July 30, 2009

Adventures in Albany - Day 09

I decided to walk to the practice and to take a jog after, to try to lose some weight and get fit, so I can attract girls. I could only do 10mins jog, but I managed to walk to the beach. Unfortunately it was dark by the time I got there, so there wasn’t much to see or do. I took several snapshots and watched a red sunset and took a dark and scary walk back to the hospital. I decided to call some of my friends so that I wouldn’t feel so lonely. It was quite a good adventure, though. I just wished that it wasn’t so dark so fast.

When I got back to the hospital, I remembered that they were having the drinks session for Camille. I wanted to make an appearance, but drinking wasn’t my thing, and it was in the city centre. I shudder at the thought that the person driving me back would be a little drunk and I don’t fancy appearing in the newspaper tomorrow. But, if I can, I tip my glass to you, Camille. She was the one who approved my internet access, but now, I can’t access it. I do wonder whether her absence meant that my access had been cut off, but it shouldn’t matter. I went to see them again today, and tried to grant me access, but tonight, I am without internet again.

I guess I would have to live without it and use my books to find out the various treatment and management of the things that I have seen today. And tomorrow I have to present a case to get some sort of evaluation of how I am progressing as a medical student. I have time to present the case, and I have to do a good job to see that I am improving or not. I hope I am.

I went to see one of Dr. Mildenhall’s patients early this morning. He had been bugging me to see him since he was admitted on Monday. I wondered what ‘typical’ presentation he would have. It turned out to be a myocardial infarction in a very fit and healthy 50 year old man. He started having the pains a few weeks back, after he takes a 30min jog. Why do these things happen to people who seem to be doing the right thing in life? What justice is there about life? “Those who deserve death, live on, and those who deserve life don’t, but who are we to decide?” was the quote that Gandalf said. I guess as a doctor, I would be able to do something about this. And I am almost there.

I saw a couple of babies and pregnant mothers today. I still have that fatherly instinct which makes me want to cuddle and pamper a baby of my own. I also have been harbouring the feeling of owning a pet, from visiting too much. I saw a poster of a few pets being sold and I walked past the pet shop on the way to the practice today. I really want to go in and buy a pet. Can I afford a pet? Will I be a good carer? I think that I can, but my sea monkeys are dead.

There was also another patient we saw today who is on trial for custody of her own children. There was history of drug abuse and domestic violence, and I cannot help but think how much she doesn’t deserve to have them. They say that people growing up in abusive families will turn into abusive parents themselves. I guess there is some truth in it, taking examples from the animal kingdom as well. If not taken care of, the animals tend not to care as well as others in the same species. This is a type of evolution process and part of the selfish gene theory, which allows the species to continue. It is not just limited to mammals and birds, but also some reptiles, amphibians, fish and invertebrates. Yet, there are always exceptions, especially among humans where this happens. Now that she has gotten rid of the negative influences, her lawyer and her doctor is trying to help her gain custody. I have no right to judge, but I do hope that she is able to handle them and give them all they need, and not harm them in any way. And I do hope that the children turn out better than their parents and have a clean and proper life.

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Adventures in Albany - Day 08

I started out with surgery/anaesthetics this morning, a reminder that I have to re-learn everything that I have read up before for anaesthetics. I guess I need some tough love, but I am sure that I am benefiting from all that. I wondered how I learnt things previously, how I was able to grasp most concepts really easily, getting through exams easily with top marks. I can remember things like from games and movies, but when it comes to factual medical knowledge, I don’t know why I am not able to remember them. I am almost graduating, and yet I am still not up to par. I can see my friends becoming better and better, but I don’t feel like that at all.

The same thing happened to me again during my GP session with Dr. Liz. It was all last year’s stuff, things that I strived to know for the exams. Now that the exams are over, I do not know why all that knowledge is slipping away, especially when I would need it all for the rest of my life. I am getting confused with how I should be approaching the medical problems and how to manage them. Every day, I feel like my knowledge resetted itself and I have to go through all that all over again the next day.

I guess now that I have cut back on WoW, I should get started on all that knowledge building again, and GP would help me get started. But here I am, again with this problem. I do not know where to start and how to get started. I guess I shall start on reading up on what I read up yesterday and a bit of what I learnt today.

Today also, they printed the news about the late Dr Camille Michener in the West Australian. I can’t believe that someone so young, talented, friendly and nice have to go like that. I don’t know her at all, but I managed to help her in surgery, and she helped me get my internet access at the hospital. It was her last day in Albany and was heading back to Perth to continue her training when she was involved in a car accident on Friday night. I can only think about how I was on the same highway that same night. I am really thankful that Aleisha was a careful driver and that nothing happened to us at all. Life is strange and it works in such incomprehensible ways. Is there karma going on? Why would God take such life away?

Carpe diem, et momento mori. Seize the day, for we are mortal.

What is mortality? Why are we mortal? Is there death, so that we can experience life? Isn’t that what she was doing – bringing in life into this world and to delay death?

I am brought back again to what I am doing here. Although I am deprived of internet, I managed to get access to facebook and blogger. I am still pretty much addicted to it knowing how much my life has been ruined. I spent almost an hour on it, just forcing myself to be on the net, despite no longer having anything to see. I guess that is addiction for you.

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Adventures in Albany - Day 07

I just got back from the airport, after sending a patient with an aneurysm causing left 3rd nerve palsy. I really wanted to be on that plane, which was heading to Perth. I wanted to fly with the flying doctor services, maybe it be just to transport patients or to go out to the bush to treat patients. Perhaps it was a wrong choice to have Albany as my posting, as I would not get that much chance to fly out there. I guess it is something I ask too much of, since I am already not doing well in normal medicine.

But I had lots to do today. I started at about 0845 with ward rounds. The GP had a lot of patients in the hospital, being on call over the weekend. We saw a whole heap of patients, ranging from a newborn to a fractured hip. I tried my best to sound interested and tried asking questions, but I was dread tired, and I really don’t know what to ask.

After rounds, we headed to various age care facilities around Albany. I found a quote on one of the doors, which reminded me again about why I do not want to get dementia. “Disinhibition lifts and the ego diminishes, allowing the spirit and soul to grow.” I am still afraid of what remains when I am free from any disinhibition. I want to know whether I am a fiend or a friend, whether I am mindful or mindless, but yet, I am worried about the truth. It also got me thinking about what will happen to me when I am at that age, being in a nursing home, or will I be living independently alone in my own place. I hope that I will not get dementia. I would rather die.

Monday, July 27, 2009

Adventures in Albany - Day 06

I woke up, feeling as if I did not sleep at all last night. I was plagued by unpleasant dreams all night. Perhaps it was due to the double thickness in my quilt, making me sweat. Or perhaps the dread of saying goodbye again. Either way, I could not, or rather did not, want to go back to sleep.

I decided I would benefit from taking a morning walk. The weather was a bit chilly, but was wonderful. Although I was going through so many emotions, I still felt warm and fuzzy inside, despite also having many cold negative feelings. Having an uncertained future made me I feel regretful that all of this had to happen and sometimes I wish that I could turn back time. But with there is always that little bit of Hope at the bottom of this Pandora’s Box I opened.

I reached Evelyn’s place on time, although I did not get to finish what I started. However, given the circumstances, I guess there wasn’t much else I could have done that morning. I guess the next best thing was to spend time with some friends. We watched TV while waiting for the rest. They showed a very interesting video clip of a unique wedding ceremony, with funky music playing while the bride’s maids and grooms grooved down the aisle. It was such a special, joyful, and beautiful event, I cried. I wished I had such sporting support and I wished I could do the same for them.

Soon, the rest of the people arrived and we got started with writing the profiles. I was amazed at our creativity, a big difference from my intern friends. It took a while to get things running, and we didn’t actually finished it, but the foundation was already there. I was thankful that I had an interesting profile, but I felt bad for not contributing much to the other’s profile. It made me wonder about my claim to fame creativity and power of English though. When did I lose it? Why did I lose it? And added to the fact that I have not been doing so good, I do wonder what is wrong with me and what changed. I miss my old self.

After finishing off what we could, we headed back to Nadia’s place for lunch. Lydia prepared an English Breakfast meal, which was great. We started talking about Malaysian breakfast meals and I started to miss them. I was already able to make my own nasi lemak and almost able to make wonton mee, but being in Albany would make it difficult to prepare them. Oh well, I will still have 4 weeks to go.

I did some last minute packing, but still forgetting things to bring down. Luckily it wasn’t anything major like the last time. I now have to make a trip to the store to buy them. I couldn’t blame the last minute packing, but I blamed more of my lack of organization and lack of keeping lists. All I could think of is how much I need to get my life organized again. I’ve been told time and time again, that I need to get my priorities straight. I guess that’s what I have to do with this rotation.

Sunday, July 26, 2009

Adventures in Albany - Day 05

We had an early start today. We were lucky as the weather was kind for Aleisha to drive safely. I had a nice short sleep last night, but I was still tired and still needed to sleep along the way back. I felt bad that I could not keep awake to entertain Aleisha. In the end, we agreed that I get to pay her for her troubles. At least that satisfied me a bit…

The first thing I did when I got back was to pack the power cable into my bag. I wasn’t going to forget it again this time round. Strangely I could not find the desire to switch on the computer. Somehow I knew that there was nothing for me there anymore. Maybe I’m anhedonic, or I could just be realizing my own failure. I do realize how much it has ruined my life. The question is whether I can do anything about it, and whether my life is still salvageable. Maybe once I have my life again, I would have a chance. But for now, I do feel pathetic, and I guess I would understand why I am still single. I have long ways to go. For the mean time, I just lay down in bed to mull over things.

I followed Evelyn to get the stuff for the steamboat after lunch. I managed to buy some instant drinks to bring back to Albany, something that I rarely see in Australian shops, not sure why. Perhaps they think that it is better to have fresh drinks or something that they can alter to suit their taste. I don’t know why I do not have such an opinion about taste as others though…

We bought what we liked to eat. Perhaps this is why I don’t have an opinion, it is because I follow the norm. Anyway, I’m just glad that there was a steamboat organized, just because I was back in town. Preparation was fairly simple, mostly because I didn’t have to do anything.

I went to Evelyn’s place earlier to play with Facebook Graffiti. It was so easy with a stylus pen and a touchscreen. I wished that I had these gadgets on my computer, so that I can play more with Graffiti. I was also thinking about how I can use the stylus to play WoW. I do wonder if it will be faster or more interesting to do so. Too bad I don’t have the cash to own such a system.

The steamboat was usual. I was full quite fast, I don’t know why. Perhaps not eating this much for the past week or so have sort of made my stomach atrophy, and also I need to endeavour the lack of food in Albany for the next 4 weeks. Anyway, we didn’t do much during or after the steamboat. They decided to go out to play Guitar Hero at Timezone, and I couldn’t resist the temptation of playing a game. I haven’t played a game for a week, really. However, I couldn’t go past medium difficulty. I still loved “Paint it Black” by the Rolling Stones, but there was a new song that we played, although I cannot remember the title. All I know is that it was nice to listen to and fun to play as well.

After a while, I grew tired, having traveled the whole day today, and the thought of traveling again tomorrow really made me want to curl up in bed and sleep.

Saturday, July 25, 2009

Adventures in Albany - Day 04

I managed to wake up earlier than my alarm today, with terminal insomnia. I reluctantly took a shower and got ready, with too much time to spare. The weather was bright with clear skies, but I was still filled with dread. I gave myself 45mins for the walk, and I managed to get to the practice on time, with loads of time to spare. It was also a very normal day at the practice. I managed to do a bit of cryotherapy, but that was it.

I had the afternoon to get access to facebook access. I managed to obtain access to the Albany UWA campus, but in the process, I think I disabled my access to the main campus in Perth. Even though I now had access to it, I still wasn’t able to use my account on the computers. I could only use the local password, but I guess I cannot complain because of the lousy feeling that I have been feeling throughout the day.

I was able to catch the bus back to the hospital for my afternoon of ED. Again, the bus had a different number then the one scheduled, but the guy waiting with me at the stop reassured me that it was the right one. I was not happy with the schedule that I picked up at the visitors centre, which was dated 2004. I am not sure if they have changed the schedule since then, but having no fixed guides as to when each bus comes by was really irritating. When I got back to the hospital and checked the net, I got a reply from the bus company, but they also gave me the 2004 one. I guess I cannot say anything for them to be the only company in Albany.

I introduced myself to the ED, but there was nothing for me to do. There were stuff happening, but I wasn’t really in the mood to do anything. I tried to access blogger from the Shed’s computers, but just like facebook, blogger was banned as well. So I had nothing to do at all that evening, so I went back to my room to take a nap.

Aleisha called just as I woke up from my nap, giving me time to get packed and ready to head back to Perth. We made a quick pit stop at Woolies after picking me up and we headed back to Mt. Barker, where she was stationed. The weather was almost perfect, making the journey safe. Her allocated accommodation was a home meant for visiting locums and their families, so the room was really homely. It even had a computer, albeit a Pentium 2. There was a TV with a DVD player as well. I managed to watch a movie titled Secondhand Lions, starring the kid from Six Sense. The movie had so many elements of everything, adventure, reality, romance, family, deception. Because of the undetermined theme, the starting was a bit weird and hard to follow. But if you endured, the first 1 hour or so, the story made a lot of sense and was actually touching.

Although it wasn’t captured in the movie, the ending also showed a series of comics from the boy’s adventures with his pet lion. It is the things like that which adds to the movie, giving it more depth. These things are not needed in the movie, but it really tells us what he does at the farm despite not having anything around and that he actually had a life. In contrast, I am not doing anything and just lazing around in that same situation.

Friday, July 24, 2009

Adventures in Albany - Day 03

It rained last night and was dragging on to the morning.
Fortunately, I was in surgery in the morning, so I was rather dry.
Unfortunately, I forgot most of my anaesthetic stuff.
Fortunately, the GP/Anaesthetist was nice, teaching me stuff and let me insert an LMA.
Unfortunately, it was hard to put it in and there were complications.
Fortunately, it was not my fault and these things happen.
Unfortunately, there was no other patient I could do it to that morning.
Fortunately, the obstetric registrar asked for my help and I actually did something.
Unfortunately, the monitor was on my back.
Fortunately, they were nice to show me interesting stuff.
Unfortunately, it turned out that the ovarian cyst could not be found.
Fortunately, they found the ‘cyst’ to be an enlarged appendix.
Unfortunately, with that size, it was more likely to be carcinoid.
Fortunately, after removing it, it didn’t feel like a carcinoid.
Unfortunately, the histopathology would not come back after a week.
Fortunately, the GP was nice enough to let me know when it does.
Unfortunately, I had to leave the nice GP early to go to the practice.
Fortunately, there was a bus that I was able to take to the city.
Unfortunately, even after calling Chui Han for help, I could not catch it in time.
Fortunately, I found a time table at the chemist at IGA.
Unfortunately, it started to rain when I was leaving IGA.
Fortunately, Dr, Knight was able to give me a lift to the practice.
Unfortunately, he had to make a pit stop first.
Fortunately, we visited a nursing home, making it somewhat educational.
Unfortunately, we went to the dementia ward, my least favourite ward.
Fortunately, we didn’t stay for long, and left shortly after.
Unfortunately, there wasn’t enough time for lunch.
Fortunately, we had an interesting conversation in the car about end of life care.
Unfortunately, even though I don’t want to be a burden, I felt like I am.
Fortunately, I can take it as motivation to do better.
Unfortunately, there is so much more I need to do.
Fortunately, there are nice GP’s and tutors around to help me get through this.
Unfortunately, my afternoon session didn’t go as I planned.
Fortunately, I was able to take patient blood pressures at least.
Unfortunately, most of my readings were off and needed rechecking each time.
Fortunately, I was allowed to do a cardiovascular examination on a patient thoroughly.
Unfortunately, I missed the diastolic murmur.
Fortunately, I got the other findings and was confirmed with an echocardiogram report.
Unfortunately, there was nothing else to do that day.
Fortunately, I was able to catch the last bus back to the hospital.
Unfortunately, I boarded a different bus than the scheduled one and had to pay a fare.
Fortunately, it was the right bus anyway, and I got back safely.
Unfortunately, it was so early; I didn’t know what to do then.
Fortunately, I met Dr. Michener from surgery, who helped me get internet access.
Unfortunately, they blocked facebook and blogger on the computers.
Finally, and fortunately, I managed to log onto MSN and chat with Chui Han.

Thursday, July 23, 2009

Adventures in Albany - Day 02

I realized today that I have a so much to learn and remember to become a doctor. Today, I saw a whole range of patients, which spanned throughout my entire medical studies. It started with a suicidal depressed patient with a personality disorder, one of Dr. Knight’s patients in the hospital. We briefly talked to her to see how she is coping, and interestingly she wrote a letter to her parents telling them her feelings. I was brought back to my own experience with depression, suicidal ideation and family matters. I hope that I don’t have to go through all those feelings again.

Dr. Knight then finished giving me a tour of the hospital and took me to the practice, where I was given instructions and schedule for my attachment. That morning, I was attached to the only female doctor in the practice, Dr. Tompkins. She saw lots of Obs & Gynae patients, and I struggled to recall all that I have learnt last two years. There were a couple of Pap smears and antenatal checks, but there were also the medical cases and geriatrics and polypharmacy as well. Later that day, I was attached to another GP, Dr.Wasiun, who specialized in Anaesthetics. He had a few pre-admission patients, which reminded me that I need to study that for my exams as well. Both of the GP’s also had a few paediatric cases as well. It was clear that I have lost touch with most of what I have learnt throughout the years, but at least I know where I stand right now.

My tally, I covered psych, O&G, paeds, anaesthetics, gen med, and geriatrics, all in one day.

However, the highlight of my day was when one of the mothers who came in handed me her baby to hold while she assisted in the examination of her other child. My heart melted and the paternal emotions start building up. I completely ignored the rest of the consult as I tried to talk to the baby. The baby was anxious and was reluctant to suck on the dummy, but he occasionally smiled. It wasn’t the “Aww, so cute,” feelings, but more of the “I want to protect you,” feelings. I can only guess how a father would feel towards his child, and I think what I feel is close to it. I was reminded of the lines from 17 Again, starring Matthew Perry and Zac Efron. It was the scene when they were handing out condoms and Zac Efron stood up and gave a wonder speech of what it was like to hold your first baby girl in your arms. I would quote it here if I can remember the exact words.

There used to be a saying that the first daughter is the reincarnation of the father’s lover in a previous life. I find some truth in that statement. It does explain why the feelings fathers have towards their first born daughters are greater. It is really the feeling that you have to protect her from all harm, giving her all you can give. It is really the same type of feeling I would share towards my lover first. I do hope I am a good father.

That evening, I tried exploring Albany, but as with Perth, everything closes at 1700hrs. I managed to find the UWA campus and the RCS campus were, but I didn’t really find much else. By then, it was getting dark. Luckily, I was to have dinner at Dr. Knight’s place, so he called me and I managed to get a lift to his place. It turned out that he was a father of 3 hyperactive girls. I learnt about Australian culture about meals and bed time, and also got several tips on parenting. I found out that children will become more hyper as it gets closer to bed time and it is usually because they are tired. It sounds contradictory, but true enough, they fell asleep the moment they were sent to bed. I have a lot to learn about parenting...

I left shortly after they went to bed, and Dr Knight took me to the RCS campus, where I managed to borrow several books to make up for my lack of internet. It made me realise how much I relied on internet before, and how easy it is to have the internet to replace all the books that I took home that day. With these books, my room looked more like a study area. Now all I need is the motivation.

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Adventures in Albany - Day 01

At the end of any day, especially since when the weather is so gloomy, all I want to do is to see that certain rainbow, to tell you about my day, about all the good and bad, all my thoughts and feelings, and to hear yours. But like a rainbow, you are not always there, and sometimes you will not appear when I really want to see you.

But when I least expect it, I managed to see three rainbows on the way down to Albany today. The weather was so gloomy when I woke up today, with extra dread, sadness and anxiety that I have been experiencing over the past few weeks. I really didn’t want to leave Perth at this moment. Although I would only be 6 hours drive away, it is still a long way and I already promised myself not to make any trips back though.

My housemate was kind enough to drive me to the busport. The ride there was the usual ‘business’ conversation, me telling him about why I was going down there, him telling me about his new uni timetable, me reminding him about paying the rent, him reminding me to transfer money into his account, etc. Otherwise, it was a smooth ride and I was at the terminal at 0830. And right outside, there was the first beautiful rainbow. It had both ends of the arc touching the horizon. Just as with you, the mere sight of it made me feel happy.

The sight of the rainbow eased the fears I had and I managed to catch up with some sleep. Of course, being extra tired from not getting enough sleep the previous night made it easy. I never knew how to handle good-byes, except from what I have seen on TV. Like, “Don’t look back,” or “Can I write to you?” or “You’re the only one he said good-bye to.” I don’t think that I can pull it off, saying something original or meaningful when I say good-bye. I have changed locations so many times in the past, and I would think that I would have gotten used to it by now. But I haven’t. “Absence makes the heart grow fonder”, I hope, but there is also the opposite, “Out of sight, out of mind.” At least for now, I am already missing my friends, but I know I am still just a phone call away.

The journey was all so familiar to my days in Singapore, having also showed a movie. I could have read the book I brought but I occupied my time solving the 5x5x5 cube and watching Toy Story 2, a movie that I have seen it many times. The message that I got out of the movie was, “I would rather see him grow up than to not be loved at all.” I do not know what to make of the quote. Could I live to love someone and watch them grow up and in the end be cast away? Do I have the capacity of unrequited love and not to expect anything in return? It got me thinking about my feelings and how ideal I want my future to be with a family, but am I really capable of doing such things? It really sounds like a quote that is said by a parental figure of some sort. As it is, I am already not giving anything back to my parents. With such atrocious grades, I feel like I am a failure to them.

This is my goal here in Albany – to NOT be a failure to them. The room I was given when I got here was very conducive for studying. I could not get any internet, there was ample light, and it was quite cosy. There were facilities for everything. It doesn’t look too bad for a start, and I definitely have a good feeling about this rotation.

Thursday, May 21, 2009

Letter to my Friend VI

Dear J
Sorry for the late reply. I just started a new term and we're just getting down to doing the intern work. I am glad to be in my team, because I get to see all the fresh patients from the Emergency Department, with all their untreated medical illnesses. They really have great signs, like pulmonary edema, heart murmurs, etc. Well, some better than others. I had a demented old lady who came in, was quite aware of where she was, but while I was talking to her, she started becoming drowsy and well... long story short, the next day, she didn't remember me, couldn't tell me correctly where she was, or why she is in hospital. And I have to write a report on her to be marked.

Apart from that, I went on a movie spree. Well, not much of a back to back or day after day, but I watched half a dozen movies since I wrote to you last. Lets see if I can list them down:

X-Men Origins: Wolverine - awesome movie, but elements of which did not follow the original comics, but was still a good watch.
Star Trek - The awesome beginning to a whole fandom that is Star Trek. I enjoy the pewpew war in Star Wars, but Star Trek is about how space adventure is meant to be. I converted to a trekkie fan after the movie too.
Angels & Demons - the title has not much reference to angels or demons, though it can be potrayed by the struggle between science and religion, the revalation of the antagonist's good and bad side, or just by the sheer number of angel statues in the movie. The puzzles stuck with the book, mostly, and left out the contraversial ending of the novel. But it was still a good watch.
The Notebook - it was different from what I thought it would be. Touching and sad... but a fairytale.
The Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants II - it was like watching a familiar story, of childhood dreams and promises falling apart, growing older and travelling down your own path in life. Friends will be friends, but we will have to leave the nest one day.

Thats all I can think of, movies that struck and stuck.

Apart from that, I was meant to tell you my adventures in gambling. I guess everyone will be enticed by it at some point in life. It is such an easy way to win. The thrill of winning releases hormones that make you high, so you want more. That's if you win. If you lose, you fill with regret and makes you strive to 'win back' that money. The only thing that can save you is to know when to quit. Preferably before you actually put money down, but anytime down the road is always good.

Not only in Burswood Casino, my friend also started me on buying Lotto every week. The jackpot has rose to 20million and we still dream of having that much money. Sadly, even being educated, math-inclined individuals, we still want to try our luck with it. It's only $3.70 a week, but having $15 a month is equal to me playing WoW. Just that I have no chance of earning anything from WoW.

There is also a syndrome or condition or something about gambling. It applies to relationships and it was what I experienced in my past. My ex would throw tantrums about things that she is not happy about, expecting me to make things better. Sometimes, yes I feel guilty and do something about it, but other times, it became annoying or helpless that I didn't or couldn't do anything. It's like gambling. Sometimes she wins and gets what she wants, but she also loses. Eventhough losing hurts, but she would still went on with her behaviour hoping that things get done. And she kept doing it. and doing it. and doing it. and eventually I lost it. That's gambling for you.

And so what is this 'inspiration' doing to you? What does it add to your life? You have to tell me more than that...

Until next time.

Ken Rhee

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