Free Time During Long Hours of Study...

(picture of the Desperate Housemen have been removed due to complaints)

Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves

Why I like this movie? Coz it potrays my all time favourite hero, Robin Hood. This movie is a 'remake' from the normal story line, with additions of new allies like Azeem and enemies like the witch... It gives off a deeper meaningful movie rather than the normal hero saves the day thing.

Nobles aren't born, they are made...
A man defending his homeland, his honour is stronger than 10 hired guards...

Oh, racism and religion also comes in here. It really shows how people can be so ignorant and so quick to judge the other side when they themselves are like that. Call the muslims cruel and stuff, but the english were the ones cruel and Azeem was the one saving people and delivering babies.

Which reminds me of an episode of House MD. A racist black guy who refuses treatment that helps black people. Says it's a racist drug. The issue of racism has been so great in the past, that even in this modern times, people can still be racist even though there is nothing to be racist about.

Anyway, this is me in the midst of studying for a test tomorrow. I watch movies and TV series... My problem is I have this severe chronic headache. ok, maybe not severe, but it's there... I can't concentrate on my studies and the only way I get to relieve my headache is by watching something, sleeping or playing something. Alas, with playing a first-person shooter, dizzyness will arise later... So either way, I don't get much studying done. Kind of like a paradox. Ironic, isn't it.

I'd better get back to studying...

almost one month..

There aren't much movies that I want to watch. The latest 'movie' was SuperSize me. There goes my appetite for McDonalds...

It's really gross, how business and money takes over the needs for health awarness...

Argh, I can't really think now. I'm sick now. Having running nose and sore throat. How did I get sick? Late practises and lack of rest. Stress? I don't think I was under stress, but I am still sick.

Updates:
Cheerleaing was over on Tuesday. A hectic month of IMU cup. I tried to join as much as I can and in the end it was just cheerleading. I really am messed up and angry about how people think nowadays. Especially the new batches. They think that we rigged the IMU cup when all we tried to do was to be fair. So, with all the transparency, we broke history by losing the IMU cup. oh well. On the one hand, they deserve it, on the other, I really hope they change their attitude. We were just being fair.

Anyway, we won cheerleading. I am not too happy though. Reasons too many, and not nice to mention here. My first well earned gold medal. That is good enough for me.

And the Art Competition came to a close on Friday. I am now RM50 richer, but I hoped to have gained more. Oh well, it's the best I could have done. I'm still thinking of what to do with that money. I'm thinking of using it to cover up the cost of the Return of the King soundtrack I bought a few weeks back. I guess that's where my money should go...

Well, this is all the thoughts I have to write out. Probably more to write IF i feel like it...

Been busy. too much to update.

But lately, I've been feeling nostalgic...

It's been 3 years since my last run on a proper track.
It's been 3 years since my last event with percussionists.

I like to run. There is the feeling of the wind blowing in your face, there is the rhythmic beat of the strides, there is the acidic taste of carbon dioxide in your blood. I like sprinting. The moment I hear the words 'race' there will be an adreneline rush. I feel my face flushing, my heart rate goes up, and I get jumpy. I also get it when I'm dancing, during cheerleading sometimes. And even with all my aches and lethargy, I still managed to surpress that tiredness and pain to carry out the racing and the cheering.

Cheerleading has always been a tiring situation. Mentally and physically. But it is almost worth it. Last year's was disappointing, but after looking at the video of us, yeah, we sucked. But what I am proud of is MY segment. MY own idea. It pulled through and it was great!

This year, nothing like that this time. I wanted to put in jump ropes and balls and bats, etc, aka Stomp style. But it is already very tiring and compact.

Which reminds me, I had forgotten how interesting it was to be in a percussion section. It's not just about making noise by hitting things. It is about hitting things in harmony. I miss that. I will always love it. That's why I love Stomp so much. Stomp is the very essence of how I live my life. Stomp is about making something out of nothing, out of junk. Who knew that a plastic bag can be made into a piece of music? Though I wish the show was a bit longer, it was already satisfying. People dream of being in a band, or a ballerina. Me, a Stomp actor/musician.

Stomp, for the heart of percussionists...

The Final Cut

As I watched the movie, I can't help but think of the Private and Confidential part that doctors do. Only the Cutter would know the whole story. The whole life story.

A Zoe implant is placed even before birth, into the brain. It records EVERYTHING that the person sees and hears, and so it records everything the person does. Memories can be preserved, like the first step, first word, first day of school, first kiss, first sex... Loved ones would want to have that lasting memory of that person, so that he or she can be remembered as that.

Here comes the tricky part. In the show itself, there are many Anti-zoe groups out there. They oppose the technology and with many viewpoints. Some say memories are meant to fade, some say the Rememory doesn't show who the person really is, and some say that the memory is personal. This POV of having a personal life is where the P&C the doctors do.

The Zoe Chip takes away your personal life, revealing all of your secrets and wrong doings. But with that in mind, a person can change, only doing the right thing to look good. Can you really be a saint when you do good things? Of course there must be the part about needing to be good in the heart first. I feel that the goodness of the deed is based on the purity of the heart. I used to think that I do things for the sake of doing them, not for fame or fortune. But I realized that it was not because my heart is pure either. Why do I keep helping people out and forsaking my own life? Why did I say yes to make the IMU Cup banner? Why have I taken that burden that will affect my future? I’ve done it all my life and I have become like a mindless drone that will do everything that he’s told.

Even if I had a Zoe chip, I doubt that my intensions can be seen. Of course there would be secrets that I do not want people to know, things that I’ve done, crimes I’ve committed. I still remember the time I threw away the milk powder so that I can buy a new tin of milk just to get a wooden skeleton of a dinosaur. I remember the time I stomped on my friend’s bag to act like a bully.

And of course I want to see the fun times as well, like memories of my grandfather singing to me when I was little, of my grandmother playing mahjong with me, of my siblings ‘Happy Club’ with our anthem and shows… These are memories that made me happy.

Back to about the movie, these scenes are viewed by the cutter and made into a ‘Rememory’ for all the deceased’s loved ones. Your spouse, your siblings, your children, and maybe your parents, would want to see and remember you by. A cutter’s job is to view a person’s life and summarize it. A cutter sees it all, and other people will get to see life through the deceased’s eyes. It’s something more personal than a dairy, a journal, a blog.

A doctor takes a patient’s history, and it all goes into a P&C folder. Both the cutter and doctor would know things that other people would never know, like a trip to the prostitute den, a secret trip to Africa, a time with stupid drug addict friends, an illness that could jeopardize your career, or the real reason why you are limping.

How does the cutter or doctor live with that kind of information? How does one react when he meets with a fellow criminal, or the girl he’s having an affair with, or knowledge of secrets nobody needs to know? For Alan (Robbin Williams), he edits with no feelings. He can’t have any. It’s the same with House, having emotions mixed in will tear a person apart. There is only so much that a person can handle. But without those feelings, wouldn’t the person seem less human? In the movie, Alan had a secret past, in which he sorts to forgiving other people for their wrong doings. He takes out memories, in hope that someone would take that memory of his out as well. And with such secretive information that both doctors and cutters have, not only do they have to experience the emotions that come with it, but also to guard that information with their lives.

All these from a 1 hour and 40 minutes show…

The Great Raid.

The last lines from the movie is, "One of the most successful mission in the history of USA." (or something close to that.)

Another sad movie showing how horrible the Japanese military are, execution of POWs and starving them of aid. It's not a wonder why conventions, like the Geneva Convention of 1949 which states that POWs should be treated humanely, are implemented.

Then comes the news of Saddam Hussein being treated badly. The point is: Do the oppressors really care about that convention? Who are the real oppressors? Who would be trail for breaching that convention?

The history of the convention can be brought back to the time of Henri Dunant, the founder of Red Cross. A battle took place in Solferino, Italy in 1859 and there was many casualties. There was so many of them that they had to come to a 'neutral day' where both sides can go collect their fallen comrades in the middle. Dunant witnessed this war, and wrote a book, "A Memory of Solferino," and also proposed a neutral organization devoted to the care of the sick and wounded of armies at war. From then on, there were many treaties and conventions that protected the casualties of war, both civilians and military, both sides of the war.

Back to the 21st century, playing Battlefield 2 with Raj and CK and Peter, I noticed that the medics are not safe from war. Logically speaking, they are protected. But in real life, they are on one side of the war and only helping that side. So in that game, the first people that are targets are the medics. They 'resurrect' the fallen and hence makes thing more difficult for the opponent. The medics are making the team last longer, so to win, get rid of medics as well. In the treaty and convention, they are supposed to be protected. Even if you are noble to comply to that treaty, will the enemy do so?

After the battle, all medics will be called to service. Theoretically for both sides. As a doctor, and if in time of war, what then will your duty be? The original Hippocratic Oath doesn't mention about treating enemies, but it's about treating who you call patients. (The modern adaptation includes the words about 'treating without exceptions' and I'm guessing it means the enemy as well)

Even with that tag line, "regardless of race, language, religion, nationality," will all of us adhere to it? And does the community know that? I plan to and hope it is so...

Ages...

I've been busy. Really busy. Last week was the killer, but I survived through it. It could turn out differently, but it happened the way it happened. I guess that's fate for you.

I've submitted my narrative to apply for PMS. I read a few others and some were better, some need more. but almost all of them unique and special. It is about who the writer is anyway. Most of us probably have some reason, but I still haven't found mine yet. Truly.

What I wrote in my narrative is just the superficial part. But one part remains true, my feelings about children. Ever since that day, I can't pass by children clinging onto their mothers without thinking, "Let me impart my knowledge to the child, may he get something like what I had and having." I guess one can see it as an act of cockyness to think that I am so smart to 'impart' knowledge to. I'm not. I can't explain it, but I do it. I wish the best to them, get a good education, be thoughtful and rational, many freinds. I really do wish to see them successful. I don't know why.

Probably half of them will turn out bad, if not all of them. By bad, I mean bad. I mean drug addicts, rapists, con-men, corrupt politicians, money-minded businessmen... There is no place for sainthood in this world. It's a little sad. I really want to change and I hope I am doing it right.

I've watched House, Scrubs, and they showed one thing, that medicine is run like a business. Insurance is an important factor to see who gets the treatment first. Who has the money would get the treatment first, who has a big name gets the treatment first. Of course there are doctors like Dr. House and Dr. Cox, who defy the admin to get their patients the treatment they deserve. Who is wrong then? The admin, or the doctors who break the rules to treat the patient. Is this what separates the good doctors and the bad ones?

But still, the world has more corrupted, money minded people and how many actually genuinely want to help people anymore? After reading some narratives, I am a little happier, and I hope that those people follow what they write. It's a start.

Stealth

What caught me was the part about AI. AI that went beserk and waged war against humanity and the bad stuff. We've seen it in The Matrix, we've seen it in I, Robot, we've even seen it in The Terminator. So what sets this movie apart?

The movie covered everything. Reasons for and reasons against. EDI was made for a purpose, to fight for humans. Basically fight a battle for us against the enemy. No more recieving news that your sons and daughters have died in service to the country. And furturmore, high percision, high accuracy, and no mistakes. Computer can do all that.

Though, there is a quote that states that to be human is to make mistakes. Can a computer make mistakes? It does what it is told. It follows a set of rules that it must strictly abide to. Reminds me of a couple of fellow medic student who does things by the book. No room for improvision, go haywire with the slightest contradiction, and panic when things are not like the book. That is life. Humans are about adapting, computers at its current state cannot adapt. The beauty about humansis that we do not have a limit like computers do. Sure, we have certain limitations, but our brain can go beyond physical limitations, and I think that is what sets us apart.

The idea behind Artificial Intelligence is that it has the capability to learn. It has a higher capability to learn than most humans. It can learn everything, from baking a cake, to designing a building. It can also learn how to poison someone and to destroy a building. It all depends on who teaches it. This is another similarity with humans. Many people in the world are brainwashed with the wrong teaching. Who in the right mind would blow himself up in the middle of the street? or wage war against another group of people? And the factor that sets us apart is morality. A computer would not know whether what it is learning right or wrong... and even we find it hard to differentiate what is right and wrong. This is something that we can never fully understand too. In medic, we would be facing dilemmas and we have to decide on what is right and what is right. Right for the patient, right for the politics that goes around. We learn that this action is right in this situation, but there is also the patient's possible reactions or politics which makes the action wrong. There isn't a guideline for everything, and definitely not for instincts and hunches, and that is why AI cannot be programmed to handle everything.

And the real purpose in this blog: Will computers ever replace doctors? It replaced many jobs already. This movie talks about AI replacing pilots. And with every AI movie, humans prevail. Why? Because we can take chances, take risk againsts the odds, we can accept, we can dream. So my answer to my question is, no.

Though, maybe one day... And there is no use for humans... I picture a tiny blob on a pedestal, surrounded by machines for everything. Actually I can't picture anymore. There would be no purpose of life... well, that's another story...

Neck Ache

This is what you get for sleeping on several layers of mattresses and soft pillows. It only takes a few minutes on these and viola! Instant neckache. It can last you for a day, or even longer. Apply deep heating medication to relief the pain. Massaging also gives temporary relief.

Asthma/cough/rhinitis

This is what you get for staying out in the open for too long, given the current API. (I think this pun was made fully intended) Why smoke when you can die of lung cancer this way too? or else, MIGHT AS WELL SMOKE. A smoker's commen: "I'm already smoking, this stupid haze is making it worse..." Prevention of complications include:
1. Staying indoors, making sure you get clean air though
2. Reduce pollution, by car pooling, no barbeques, reduce joss sticks, etc.
3. Drink a lot of water to cleanse your system. Prevent dehydration.
4. Buy a mask. You may think it's stupid, but it's healthy. There's no shame in that.

Depression

This is what you get if you have no hope or will to do anything else. Everything is turning out to be disappointing and you are not getting what you hope you will get. When you find out that the world is not as ideal as you thought it was, and there is nothing you can do about it, it's easy to go into depression and give up. One cure is to wake up from your dream and to face reality. Being a Doctor is harder than you think, and more disappointing. And this applies to all types of jobs.

It's been slightly more than a week in the new Semester...

Things I have been doing:
1. New graphics card. ATI Radeon 9600Pro.

this leads to...

2. More computer games run smoother.

which leads to...

3. New study schedule to compensate the slacking days in the past. Now I have study in it balanced with computer.

which leads to...

4. Hoping for a better grade, etc. I have managed to skim through Sem 4 pretty well, so I just need touching up. Need a good report for...

5. PMS Matching system: You can only go anywhere you want if you have a good enough report card.

Aih, new challenges await...

Hostage

The synopsis first took me to a similar setting from Six Sense. A guy haunted by his failure to handle a situation he was supposed to be good at. After watching the movie, I saw a different ending. And when I browsed through the deleted scenes and extended scenes, I saw the internal conflict that they did not want to show in the theatrical version: He still cannot get over the event and is not coping with it as well as the theatrical version.

As a doctor, Death comes part and parcel of daily events. You can kill a patient. A doctor from Seremban onced tried to lecture us, that we have the licience to kill. You can issue the wrong medication, wrong dosage, or administer the wrong management. This is the licence that we own. Of making mistakes which may cause death.

But how do you cope with that knowledge? Just like Jeff Talley (Bruce Willis). He knows his job comes with a risk of losing lives, and in the first scene, he screwed up. Lives were lost. What pierced his heart, was the death of a small child. He could not let it pass him.

Honestly, even from my past post, I still don't know how to cope with Death when it comes.

But I think, knowing about this licence, is only the first step. Accepting it is the one that allows us to move on. For Talley, he could not accept it, and from the extended version, he was even toying with the notion of suicide. For one, how could you live by your mistake that took innocent lives? How could you carry on doing what you are doing? If you made a mistake, you can do it again. If you haven't, you could one day...

Then again, what is the principle of doing what you do?
It's about helping save lives. Taking risks to save lives.

The Island

This movie is about the whole issue of cloning. Rights, feelings, ethics.. The whole lot. It addresses most of the issues that are being debated today. But what strikes me the most, is the idea of letting them live in a staged, closely monitored environment. The story is that there was a great contamination, one that probably erases memory and behaviour... and as a result, survivors were found occasionally and reintroduced into this society. Here, they will live a mundane monotonous lifestyle. No knowledge of anything that happens in the real world, ie our world. No knowledge of sex, no knowledge of God.

sex,
It can't be helped. The need to reproduce is in us. Freud-ian philosophy. The instinct to survive and reproduce is built in us. If there is a defect and you don't have this, well, you will die off and will not have offspring which will think the same. You're a defect if you don't want to reproduce. So how do you train a few thousand clones to not have sex??? You can have rules, but you cannot stop them. Reminds me of George Orwell's 1984... not sure why...

God,
Lincoln 6 Echo: What is God?
McCord: When you want something and wish for it, He's the one who ignores you.
How do you explain God to a person who is doesn't know His existence? And the all time favourite question, will he still go to heaven? Basic idea is, a person can go on existing without that need. The society that was portrayed probably can go on living. But truth will be revealed to them. Irony: if you believe your world to be true, what if something this big reveals itself? What if you found out that what you believe in is false? I can't help but imagining Lincoln6 Echo (Ewan McGregor) as some sort of messiah. He thinks differently and has more questions than all the people there combined. He is envisioned of the truth and even ventured into it. And his goal in the end, was to liberate the people from their ignorance. Sounds familiar to me...

And of course another idea of God in this movie is the whole idea of cloning itself. And an idea given to me, is that humans are given the knowledge to interfere with fate, ie medical knowledge. We have found so many cures for the "bad omens of God". Diseases they are called now. And technology has led us to the finding of the cure for old age. We will never have to worry anymore, our insurance policy can give us what we need: a new liver, kidneys... Is this playing God?

The only thing that I can say is, I see stars of the LotR trilogy coming out in movies everywhere... Orlando Bloom in everywhere, Karl Urban in Bourne Supremacy, Miranda Otto in War of the Worlds, Sean Austin in 50 First dates, Elijah Wood in Sin city, Sean Bean in National Treasure and here. oh yeah, and from star wars movies, Liam Neeson in Batman Begins, and Ewan McGregor in everywhere and here.

Home

This my town... (click on the picture to take a closer look)

Shall We Dance

This movie is to dance, as Scrubs is for study medic. At least for me. Why scrubs? It's a source where I find some inspiration. The reason why I did Medic. The reason why I am still sticking to it. Though I get doubts about it, I still find the quotes and lessons from Dr Cox really inspiring. Watch it. Another drama full of quotes, House. Aptly named House-isms. And to spring back to real life, watch Grey's Anatomy.

Now back to Shall We Dance. What do I find interesting about this movie? It's about being happy. And finding out what makes you happy. And doing what makes you happy. Yep, a happy happy movie.

It's not much of the dancing. It's the happiness of doing something that had inspired you. Did you ever find a passion for something? Something that lifts your heart from all your worries and fears? Something that cradles you to sleep peacefully?

It all started with curiosity, something new, something that you may never had thought of. For John Clark, he was just curious about Paulina. This may start as a crush, or whatever you may call it. The reason he did it, he said becuase he wasn't truly happy. Makes you wonder whether in a alternate universe, he would have had an affair. But no, this little 'thing' grew into a passion for dancing.

He hid it from his wife, because he was ashamed of letting her know about how he was not happy with things now. Mundane job, same repeating words, same schedule everyday. He tried to go for a movie, but there wasn't any time. Saying you are not happy, would mean that the marriage was falling. But he didn't want to make the person he loved unhappy. Wouldn't we all do that? To live on, just for the person you love to be happy?

And what if the thing that makes us happy something shameful? Do we hide it from everyone, like Link? It's al because of social stigma. But what can you do? Do something that you really love and dream of, and in the end be the laughing stock of people around you. Which then will we choose? It's hard to choose.

All ended well anyway, the joy of dancing spreads among the characters and to the audience (at least for me)... I'm not saying I will get back to dancing, but the sense of finding an inspiration, something that will make me happy.

i leave you with a song from the movie:

The book of love is long and boring
No one can lift the damn thing
It's full of charts and facts and figures and instructions for dancing
But I
I love it when you read to me
And you
You can read me anything
The book of love has music in it
In fact that's where music comes from
Some of it is just transcendental
Some of it is just really dumb
But I
I love it when you sing to me
And you
You can sing me anything
The book of love is long and boring
And written very long ago
It's full of flowers and heart-shaped boxes
And things we're all too young to know
But I
I love it when you give me things
And you
You ought to give me wedding rings
And I
I love it when you give me things
And you
You ought to give me wedding rings
And I
I love it when you give me things
And you
You ought to give me wedding rings
You ought to give me wedding rings

I've done it. I've done it... I finished it.

It's... well... definitely better than the 5th book... I predicted that she's pick on the small small stuff being mentioned, but this time, everything gets revealed and picks on the LARGER stuff... This was better than expected, had the twists and everything...

But I'm quite disappointed with her and her use of "snog". a little bit too much. It was definitely a built up from the 2nd book. I'm disappointed as the rate at it was going. like daisies...

Oh well, I can't spoil anything as it would probably breach the copyright and stuff...

the ending though... All I can say is I will definitely buy the last book myself. I want to know the continuation. I need to know. It's a must to know. It's information worth waiting for. though I am afriad of it's outcome.

... to Harry's coming of age

Fate is a funny thing. Call it whatever you want, but I feel that everything happens for a reason and it's somehow destined to happen.

Fate, it seems, have brought me back to Singapore... I am here, no longer in dreams, but physically here. The last time I was here was... well, a few months ago. The more I miss Singapore, it seems like I wanted to come back here. But when I'm finally here... I'm stuck in the house. And what could possibly deter me from venturing out into the streets of Singapore??

HARRY POTTER

Yup, I have the book, and I am reading it as fast as I can. I'm now at page 167 out of 607 pages. I told myself before this that I will try to refrain myself from buying the book until the cheaper (by less than HALF the price), but I couldn't. I have the book, and I didn't pay a single cent for it. Ain't it great?

Back to the book then...

Year 5
This isn't really about studying in Singapore, but I was still in Singapore at this time. I applied to be a house tutor, which basically puts me in higher than the block head. I don't have to study, but I have to tend to the welfare of the boarders. I had to do my share of administrative matters in exchange for a free stay in Boarding. And of course I needed to support myself to LIVE in Singapore, so I set out to find work.

I went to where my seniors used to work, as they had a fun time working there and earn close to a thousand dollars a month. So I decided to work there, but all didn't turn out well. The management had already got their business running and not keen on temporary workers. My seniors had a fun time because they helped the business from it's opening days. Everyone was learning with each other and enjoyed everything together. But now, they were quite established and had difficulty training us new people.

Most of my hours were concentrated on giving out flyers at the nearby escalator. Whenever they had a slow business day, our manager would come to me and observe and critique the way I did the promotion. He would "show me the way to do things" and when the business starts getting busy, he headed back and I continued the distribution. It irritated me at first, but I had to learn. I enjoyed giving out flyers. On the one hand, I didn't have to wait on tables, but I had to stand there without a chair for ages and ages, until they decided that the traffic is too slow or the business is roaring.

There were other restaurants in the area and their employees also had their share of distributing flyers. I made a few friends that way. We just stood there, giving out flyers talking to the potential customers, and occasionally chatted with each other. Some of them were like me, waiting for their A-level results and some were still studying.

Every morning, I was there at 11am to clean up the tables and laying out the utensils. When people came, I took down orders and served them drinks. Got ready the appetisers and served them. I distributed flyers. It was MONOTONOUS yet so many things that I could not adapt to. We all had some degree of scolding, and we adjusted from time and time. We learnt new things and were thought more difficult tasks. At the end of the day, we packed up the utensils and I had to throw away the rubbish. That was my day.

When my results came back, I decided to quit. To look for other jobs. And at that time, there was the SARS outbreak. The highest paying job at that time was the medical screening in schools as it was a high risk job. My friend and I took it. We made lots, just for that few weeks. And that was my last job. The money that I earned lasted until mid-May. After that, I was living off my parent's money. I failed.

Also, after the results, we had to apply for our university courses. I wanted to do medic, or at least dentistry. And given my history of interviews, I screwed everything up again. I got Engineering. I was offered the ASEAN scholarship. I could stay in Boarding for free and get free studies PLUS allowance. (my friend, Jonathan took my place instead and is enjoying what I could have...) But I chose to do Medicine instead.

So here I am, back in Malaysia. In IMU. Studying medicine.

Thus ends my career and life in Singapore... I still think back and really feel distant from all my friends that I have made then... I miss them all...

Cheerio.

Adapted ASEAN song... one of my favourites

It only takes a spark to get a fire going.
And soon all those around, can warm up in glowing.
That's how it is with God's love,
once you've experienced it,
You spread His love to everyone
You want to pass it on.
(pass it on, pass it on, pass it pass it, pass it on...)

What a wondrous time is spring, when all the trees are budding;
The birds begin to sing, the flowers start their blooming.
That's how it is with God's love;
Once you've experienced it,
You want to sing"It's fresh like spring";
You want to pass it on.
(pass it on, pass it on, pass it pass it, pass it on...)

I wish for you my friend, this happiness that I've found.
You can depend on us, it matters not where you're bound.
I'll shout it from the mountain top - ASEAN!
I want the world to know;
The Lord of love has come to me,
I want to pass it on.
I want to pass it on...

Year 4
Another new year brings in many new faces, again in Boarding, in the ASEAN community and in the Band. Another batch of juniors to teach you new things and people who will look up to you. A new year is a time to meet new people and make more friends.

I've never felt so lost before. Now I am the super senior, nobody I can turn to except the adults and myself. At this time, I needed my friends more than anything, to confide in and to share my feelings with. Juniors and friends turning to me too. This was the time that I felt so close to people, yet still distant from everyone.

My studies were affected. I failed a few more subjects and I didn't understand the lessons. I slept in lectures and didn't do my tutorials. Comparing this final crucial year with when I first came, this was a different me. I was becoming lazy and over-confident, yet worried about everything. I failed in Biology and Chemistry, and yet excelled in Maths. My english was improving, but will never be good. Imagine speaking the language all your life and it being your forte, I reallised I will never be as good as they wanted us to be.

I had to study, I knew I just had to start, but I was getting distracted easily. I could never find the will power to start. I could tell everyone to study and buck up, but I could never do it myself. I relied very much on friends to keep me out of the depressing state. I really miss them. I felt stronger when I'm with them. There are also times when I would crawl to my friend's room and sleep with them, instead of my own bed.

Towards the end of the year, we all had to step down from our CCAs. I felt more lost when I had to step down from the Band. I was no longer playing the anthem and school song. I no longer had to meet in the Band room. I was to queue up with the rest of my class and that felt weird. Change. Change feels funny. Change needs to get use to.

Finally, there were the A-Levels...

...working in Singapore

Year 3
From the first school in Singapore, to the first Junior College in Singapore...

As I mentioned, I chose to come to National Junior College for the wrong reason. And I was left all alone with no seniors, no friends to tag along. My first day was scary, but I put on a little courage and instantly made a new friend, Jason Wong. I wonder where he is now... He gave me a really interesting point about Singapore's education system. It's a vicious circle, the better gets better and the unfortunate will never prosper. The best students get where the best schools and become better, where as the slower ones will never get as good teachers. I wanted to be a big fish in a small pond, and regarded NJC as a lesser JC, but for others, this was their first choice. This was the best choice. I had to rethink my arrogance...

Anyway, since I was also in the thrill seeking and experience finding mood, I joined the Symphonic Band. In the middle of last year, I began an interest in music, mostly movie themes, and decided to take it further by joining the Band. This wasn't a good year to join as there was a competition and I had to choose between getting an award or to learn something new. I got the award, but only a Silver. I missed the chance of learning something new. But I was posted in the Percussion Section and soo, I was banging here and there on the instruments. Percussionist were usually unnoticed, but the things they play were mostly SOLO acts. Many things happened and I did get the experience I wanted.

I tried to pick up my interest in helping others, but I could not join the Interact Club there. I just didn't have the time nor the will to do it. It was disappointing. Another reason why I tried to join the Interact Club, was to at least get a leadership position to boost my record. But I couldn't get it.

I also tried my luck with the Student Council and the House Reps. I failed very badly and didn't get through the interviews. Have I told you that I do not do well in interviews? The only interview I know I did well was the one that got me into IMU. Not even the one that got me into the top school in Singapore. Anyway. I didn't get ANY roles at all. The Band took up all my time and with late night practices, the Band Room became my second home. Third actually, considering my second home was Boarding.

Speaking of Boarding, I had to give up my post to the secondary school students and they gave me the role of treasurer. I screwed up that post too.

I had to switch classes after my O-Level results, and that lost me my Class Rep status too. Anyway, with all the switching around, the only friends that I could turn to was the ASEAN scholars. At first, I was the only one in my class, and the only one from Boarding. When I switched class, there was another 2 of them, and now I could get information of outings. And I enjoyed the outings. I can't really say that I bonded well with them, as I was also a part of my Band, Class, and Boarding. I'm everywhere but no where.

The year was a disappointing year, and my arrogance was finally shattered. I am no longer the best and can never be the best. There are people better than me and I can only struggle to keep up.

But for the best of it, I had a support of good friends...

...to be continued in the most stressful time of my life

Year 2
The year started out great. I was appointed to be the vice chairperson of the Block. I used to doubt my leadership skills as I was the teacher's son before in Malaysia, and everything was because my father and mother are well known in the town. But now, on my own accord, I see how much a leader I really am. Our first task for the term was to organise the formal dinner in my boarding, and to show the video that we started producing last year.

Apart from that, as a house senior, we had to come up with various duty rosters and other administration stuff. As house seniors also, juniors started comnig up to us for help. I really felt like I have grown up...

Also, I was elected as the class Treasurer, another time where my leadership skills were tested. I get a new collar pin, and I was proud of it. So I decided I needed more pins and joined other clubs so that I can get the pins. Another club which I joined was the Archives club. OK, it was mostly becuase of my friend, Teddy. He was a prefect and president of the club. He was also in the track team and plays badminton. HE was a leader, and RI produces them.

Despite the Exam year, I was getting busier and busier. Apart from the things I already joined, I joined the Raffles Players (a drama club). I really felt like expanding my interests and broaden my experiences. There were so many things that I wanted to do, but there was just too little time.

Towards the end of the year, everything that I did paid off... Although I was disappointed because I couldn't become a committee member of any club, I still worked hard in the Interact Club, and in the end, I was awarded the Interactor Award. I am not bragging, but that was how much I did charity work and I miss having that feeling of doing good.

The Trial Exams were tough. I failed a subject. I had to go through a crash course and had to study extra hard. With the help of friends, I managed to pull it through.

Another hard time was the decision of which Junior College to go to. All I can say is that I may have choosen on the wrong reason. This was the saying that was told to everyone, "To be a big fish in a small pond, or a small fish in a big pond." I chose the former.

And that was it. My most Exciting, Thrilling, Fulfiling, Wonderful year of my life.

And from the next year onwards, it will be a rollercoster ride of emotions...

...and on to the next year
O-levels came at last and this was my first MAJOR exam.

Reminiscence
It's been over 2 years since I left Singapore. Frankly, I miss the place. I miss my school, I miss my boarding. I miss all my friends. I really miss turing to my seniors for advice and being the elder brother to my juniors. I miss my teachers, and boarding masters. I miss my bandmats, especialy my fellow percussionists. I miss the rest of the ASEAN scholars, whom I meet 3 times a year and never get to know better...

I left for Singapore on 27th December 1998, and came back 6th July 2003. 4 and a half years there and the many ties that was formed just leaves me with mixed emotions.

It's too short a time to know half of them half as well as I should like, and I like less than half of them half as well as they deserve.

Every year, for that 4 years, I've seen people go and people come. It's just so sad sometimes, but I can't stop the change, no more than I can stop the suns from setting...

Year 1
My first year. My first room. Two chinamen and a fellow Malaysian from Batu Pahat. Professor Who and Lychee, and Cacing and me...

It was a new place for me and I have to learn to adapt. I had a plan before coming, and that was to do homework in the afternoon, and study new things at night. It was a good plan while it lasted. Lazyness took me as my discipline went away. But good boy I remained...

Raffles Institution was the top school in Singapore and I am questioning why I was sent there. There were 5 of us in my batch. I first felt that I was better than all of them, given my history in my hometown. But I was wrong... I was average, only an average.

I failed my first English test. I have never failed English. English was my forte. English was my mother tongue! But failed I did. But we all had to take extra English classes. And in this class, this was the first time that I had to do lines. I shall never forget the word that I spelt wrongly: immediate.

Made a few friends, a few enemies... There were strange folk about. Crazy people they say, and extra too. But I enjoyed being friends with my friends. Martin, Jonathan, Elvis, the Vietnamese (interestingly there are 4 of them and all had hair similar to the Beatles)... just to mention a few...

I started to read a lot. It started with a book list that we were supposed to read. And for the first time, I began reading out of my normal Star Wars stuff. Isaac Asimov, Douglas Adams, Michael Crichton, Orson Scott Card, James Herriot, Frank Herbert, J.R.R. Tolkein, etc... they were interesting reads. And i grew to like Michael Crichton's books. As for the author of the Lord Of The Rings, I couldn't understand his books at all and I gave up there after.

As the year drew to a close, Elvis pioneered a video production in which I was proud to be a part of. This was my first experience in video editting and working in a committee. This was a task that was a dream, and became reality. And only now I can recall and say that this project was built with a dream, and that they can come through with hard work and committment.

...to be continued in the next year

Your IQ Is 115

Your Logical Intelligence is Above Average Your Verbal Intelligence is Exceptional Your Mathematical Intelligence is Genius Your General Knowledge is Above Average

A Quick and Dirty IQ Test

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free.

In love, you feel the most alive when things are straight-forward, and you're told that you're loved.

You'd like to your lover to think you are optimistic and happy.

You would be forced to break up with someone who was emotional, moody, and difficult to please.

Your ideal relationship is lasting. You want a relationship that looks to the future... one you can grow with.

Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment.

You think of marriage as something precious. You'll treasure marriage and treat it as sacred.

In this moment, you think of love as commitment. Love only works when both people are totally devoted.

What Are The Keys To Your Heart?

The True You

You want your girlfriend or boyfriend to be more relaxed, calm, and composed.

With respect to money, you spend as little as possible.

You think good luck depends on maintaining good relationships with others.

The hidden side of your personality tends to be a little selfish. You only do what interests you.

You have a tendency to overdo things, but basically you value your friendships highly.

When it comes to finding a romantic partner, you base your search on information from your friends.

Who's the True You?

This is me in the gender...

You take a dim view of aggression and see it as a last resort. But when you reach the end of your rag, you can even frighten yourself!

There are some qualities where average is best and this is you. You are usually sensitive to others but you know how to throw caution to the wind and please yourself from time to time.

Brilliant control! You are either an established PlayStation addict or you should take up a fast reflex activity like table tennis or the piano!

You're Ulysses!

by James Joyce

Most people are convinced that you don't make any sense, but compared
to what else you could say, what you're saying now makes tons of sense. What people do
understand about you is your vulgarity, which has convinced people that you are at once
brilliant and repugnant. Meanwhile you are content to wander around aimlessly, taking in
the sights and sounds of the city. What you see is vast, almost limitless, and brings you
additional fame. When no one is looking, you dream of being a Greek folk hero.


Take the Book Quiz
at the Blue Pyramid.

It's weird when you have the same dream three nights in a row... Ironic thing is that I cannot remember what the dream is... I know there is running around.

I wake up constantly tossing and turning around trying to get the mosquitos off my feet. My bed broke. I have a cold.

Strange that there are now mosquitos in my bedroom. I wonder how they got there, when before this they did not exist up this high. While I was at my computer yesterday, I smack one poor critter and manage to damage his legs and wings... Interesting to see a thorax and abdomen full of my blood, with no head or legs or wings... Just a balloon of blood. I gave it a little squeeze and some blood oozed out. I'm keeping the rest as a symbol to the other mosquitos to STAY AWAY.

I think the dreams started out with me watching War of the Worlds. It's a movie of great graphics but not so good choice of cast. Though I should comment on Dahkota Fanning on her 'natural' act. Anyway, the movie has a lot of violence... not from the aliens, but from the people themselves. In acts of desperation, it's everyone for himself. The need for survival. Adam Smith... But John Nash says everyone for himself too, but while doing that, we should help one another. Ah, nice music from Beautiful Mind during that revelation...

Back to War of the Worlds, it's mostly about surviving, and what people do to survive. Desperation. It brings out qualities in many of us... Heroism, hopelessness, terror, retaliation...

Then again, because of my Lord of the Ring's marathon, it could also have affected my dreams... Heroism... sigh...

Dont Ask

You scored as A Romantic. You're a romantic through and through. You may not ever have very many partners, but it's ok. You know that it's about the person who you're having it with, and that the sex is more of a fun biproduct - a very fun biprodict. You know how to make your partner happy, and that's what it's all about.

A Romantic

83%

Sex God

65%

Virgin

60%

A Slave To BDSM

53%
How are you in bed
created with QuizFarm.com

Topics for Selective - Physiology, Memory:

Memory Boosting Drugs
Memory Impairment
Memory Test
Improving Memory
Memorizing Techniques
Memory Manipulation (Brainwashing)
Can Memories be Trusted? (Memory and Reality)
Treating Memory Loss
Forgefulness
Animal Memory
Memory and Learning
Remembering Dreams

so many to choose, nothing to write about...

What is it with people and queues?

(I feel somehow like Dr. John Dorian saying that...)

Well, it's more like 'What is it with Malaysians and queues? I just attended an Indian wedding ceremony, and it's buffet style dinner. And whenever guests have to witness an hour long ceremony while their stomachs growl, the desire to get to the food first is greater. And that's when queues fail.

I remember about 7 years back when my father and I went to the PC Fair in PWTC arriving in the wee hours of the morning. (Well, before the Fair gates open anyway.) There was a queue to enter. Why was there a queue? I don't really know. But there was one. It stretched from the doorway, all the way back to the escalators, and, I think, down the not functioning escalators. Looking back, I think it will be quite noble to do that, queuing up. Shows a little 'respect' or 'face' to those who really came first.

Then, when the gates finally open at 10am...

All hell break loose. Those at the back rushed forward and people queuing behind me were rushing past me to the door first.

What's the point in queuing?!!

Back to the wedding... the queue started. And I was standing behind a guy to queue up for the food. A couple in front of him were standing side by side and I guess he family started queueing behind her. If you picture it nicely, you will notice that now, there were 2 lines merging into one, where the couple were standing. I looked at my brother and at the line that was forming NOT behind us. I nudged him to suggest queuing up behind the longer line. We did. But the same thing happened. Another line was branching out again. Crap.

Luckily though, the other line didn't last and more people queued up behind us. Anyway, we got to the food finally and refills were constantly bring brought out.

Everybody was going to get the food sooner or later. I guess the hunger drives people to be not thoughtful. I just hate it when people are impatient. I hate it when people drive up so close behind my car, edging me to drive faster. Though I hate it, I let them off. I don't mind waiting. They won't learn anything even if I do say something.

I hope people will learn someday...

Nigel, Nigel,
Ever so fragile,
Needing care,
But nobody there.

Do not worry,
Someone's in a hurry,
To get to you,
To tend to you.

Rest, little one,
The day is almost done,
Mom is here,
So have no fear.

What makes a good doctor?
One who holds your hand while you die or ignores you while you get better?

Communication skills rank at the top, beside being able to diagnose a disease or ailment from just observation and getting a good history.

People lie. Everybody lies. Histories are almost completely useless. People wont tell you everything. People sometime are skeptical with what you do and do not always cooperate with you.

Anyone can be a doctor. Just read the books which are readily available to anyone and you're on your first step to becoming a doctor. Everything is in the books. Every disease is written in the books.

So what makes a doctor a doctor?

You look happy to meet me...
blossom and snow may you bloom and grow...



Flowers... I like flowers...

You Know You're Addicted to Star Wars When...

You can recite *all* the dialogue from the trilogy. You watch the entire trilogy at least once a month. You wonder why the SW theme never makes it into those "clasical collections." Any time you pick up a walkie-talkie or two-way radio, the first thing you say is "TK-421, why aren't you at your post?" Whenever you went anywhere outside with your friends, you always walked single file, to hide your numbers. You've written several letters to the President recommending that he dissolve the council, put power in the hands of the regional governors, and let fear keep the local systems in line. In college, after several hours of poker, you got thrown our of the game for suggesting, "How about some sabacc?" When trying unsuccessfully to snare that last Cheerio floating in your cereal bowl, you remarked, "the Force is strong with this one." On Halloween, you would never dress as: Luke, Han Solo, Leia, Vader, Chewie, Threepio, Artoo However, you would dress as: Wedge, Porkins, Crix Madine, that spider droid from Jabba's palace that fat dancer from Jabba's palace, Sy Snootles, the Cantina bartender. The monster in the trash compactor, Boba Fett, An Imperial probe droid You've been pulled over by a policeman, and when asked to see your driver's license you replied, "You don't need to see my identification." And when he asks about your two friends in the back "They're for sale, if you want them." You have physically threatened anyone who referred to "Hans Solo" or "Dark Vader", confused Star Wars with Star Trek, or spellied Wookiee with only one "e." You have held up an onion ring and said, "Look sir...droids!" You've referred to Wedge Antilles or Boba Fett as "The Man." You've bought a white Isuzu Trooper, strictly because of the name. While sitting on the couch with your girlfriend, she comments about being cold. So, naturally, you slice open the side of the cushion and stuff her in. You insist on spelling Pizza Hut "Pizza Hutt." You dropped your religion and now live the way Yoda taught you. You recorded all the new Star Wars comercials. You frequently experience insomnia and, to counter this, begin counting nerfs. You answer the phone "Die wanna wanga?" Whenever you buy a new appliance, you make sure to get one that speaks Bacchi. You call your aunt and uncle Aunt Beru and Uncle Owen. Whenever you catch sight of cars behind yours, you say "Fighters, coming in, point three five." Someone else in your car says "What about that tower?" You respond, "You worry about those fighters, I'll worry about the tower", and moments later your car slams into the water tower the passenger was referring to. When a cop catches you speeding, you floor it, saying "I've outrun Imperial starships, and not the local bulk cruisers..." When someone apologizes to you, you choke him and tell him that you accept his apology. You ride your motorbike through the forest at top speed, and survive after throwing yourself off just before it hits a tree. You've 'wielded' a flashlight and made humming sounds. You wave your hand purposefully and 'use the force' to open and close automatic doors or elevator doors. You go over to a friends, go to his refrigerator, and crawl in throwing food and stuff over your shoulder and grunting. You walk into an optometrist's office and shout: You will PAY for your lack of vision! You have a Yoda figurine replacing the brand symbol on the hood of your car. When accelerating your car to enter the freeway, you tell your passengers to strap in and prepare for light speed. Your significant other dumps you because everytime she/he says, "I love you" you always respond, "I know." You quote Yoda to defend your political beliefs. You have so many SW Trilogy GIF's, JPG's, MIDI's, AVI's, WAV's, MPG's, icons and text files that you're rapidly running out of disk space and have to buy a bigger hard drive just to hold them all. You have so many SW posters that you can't see your ceiling or floor, either. You have so many SW toys that you can't see your SW posters anyway. When leaving a restaurant, you can't resist signing Boba Fett or Darth Vader in the guestbook. You went through a state of depression when Chewie died. You look at "big hairy carpets" with more respect than before. You speak Rodian. You punch out trekkies who say "Death star my ass, I'd like to see those losers take out DS9." With a blue-tinted plastic tube, a flashlight, two hours of a Saturday night, and 4 rolls of blue electrical tape, you finally complete your own working "Light-saber" You listen for Obi-Wan while attempting to parallel park 1Your father asks you how fast your car is, and you reply, "Fast enough for you, old man!" You could have sworn you saw bantha tracks during your trip to the grand canyon. Every time somebody sneezes, you say, "May the force be with you." The cinnamon buns in your hair start to grow mold. You call your friend who is a midget Wicket. You refer to money as credits without trying to. You respond to any mention of the legality of something with "I will make it legal." You start reliving the speeder bike chase on your motorbike. Someone tells you your car is old and beat-up, you reply "She'll do .5 past light speed..." You refer to getting off the freeway as coming out of hyperspace. You are POSITIVE you are force-sensitive and only lack the proper training. Someone says they will try to do something you automatically respond "Do or do not. There is no try." By intense study you have actually figured out the location of every gun implacement on a star destroyer. Your house robe is brown and extra large. You type in the terms for a search engine as if entering coordinates, then shout "Punch it, Chewie!" as you click on search. You argue about whether Star Wars is space fantasy or space opera. You're out looking for a Wookie for your school's wrestling team. You nickname your car the Millennium Falcon. The last time a cute guy tried to hug you, your hands were dirty. When your mom asks you to clean your room, you say "Leave that to me." Your friends share recipes for cooking Ewok. You have a long braid in you hair like Obi-Wan in E1. You call your boss/teacher "Master" You went to the nearest recruiting center and asked to be assigned to the 121st TIE squadren When asked if you want to be buried or creamated you say "I'll just vanish like the rest of the Jedi" You have a bad feeling about everything. While partying with friends, you do your Darth Vader impression. You try to get your car up to .5 beyond lightspeed, in a parking lot. You call your girlfriend, "your Highness." You keep calling your boyfriend, "Luke," "Han," or "Lando" by mistake. You believe John Williams is the best composer ever (which, of course, he is!), and George Lucas is a god (which, too, is pretty much true!) While listening to the soundtrack without knowing the name of the song you are listening to, you know exactly what's happening while it's playing. In foreign language class, you tell the teacher, "Hey! If I'm fluent in over six million forms of communication, then how come I'm getting such a bad grade in this class?" When your friends confide in you and tell you their deepest, darkest secrets, you say, "You are far too trusting." When your dad says, "I am your father," you begin to scream uncontrollably and shout, "NOOOO! It's not true!" at the top of your lungs. You have ever thought the world would be a better place if it were like the Rebel Alliance/New Republic. You now want to become an astronaut to see if there really is a Lando system. Obiwan Kenobi and Yoda come to you in your dreams and give you advice about tough situations you're dealing with. Yoda's little sayings have had a profound impact on your life, and you abide by them religiously. You've created lyrics to the songs in Star Wars. Instead of saving for college, you save up for Star Wars stuff you plan to buy. Anyone who doesn't like Star Wars you proclaim is an Imperial. When you are ticked off at somebody, you send bounty hunters all over the place to find them and then you encase him in carbonite for a new wall decoration. When your alarm clock goes off in the morning, your reply is, "Unexpected this is... and unfortunate!" When riding your bike, you look behind you and accelerate wildly by pressing down on the petal with your right toe. You've kept the "good" action figures stored separately from the "bad" ones. As a child, whenever you had broken something, your response was always, "It must've had a self-destruct mechanism. I didn't hit it that hard." You've refused to enter a cave/cavern/tunnel without a handgun and a large stick. When you waited for a friend to catch up with you, you told him to hurry up or he'd be a permanent resident. You've ever found yourself in a chat room, training Jedi. You've ever told your younger brother at the dinner table, "Use the fork, Luke." You've ever roped off your Star Wars Action Figure collection, claiming it to be an independent nation. You actually get these jokes and pass them on to other friends who are addicted to Star Wars.

Get Your Own Addicted Meme Here
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I sometimes freak myself out.

I just watched a barrage of movies, including a attempted Star Wars Marathon. Well, I gave up after watching Episode I and II back to back. Anyway, I stumbled upon a Jim Carrey movie called Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.



I liked it because it's... well... hard to understand. Meaning it's some warped mind-boggling story about life and hard to understand. It's about a couple who after going through a rough relationship, Clementine (Kate Winslet) went to get her memory of Joel (Jim Carrey) erased.

The scientific basis of this 'treatment' is that certain parts of the brain will have some activity in it when certain memory is triggered. So by relating all the spots with all the memory of the person/object/animal, a mind map, so to speak, is formed. Then the memory can be erased. Worried about brain damage? It IS brain damage.

When Joel found out, he too went through the process and the movie is almost all 'in his head'. How nice is it to erase something painful and embarassing from your mind? What if it is about someone that you love so much, but is just so hurting? I said I freak myself out. The reason is that I just wanted to blog about not forgetting seomthing or someone, hence the flower... And this is before I knew the existance of this movie nor had the inlking of watching it.

There's something about Jim Carrey's show that scares me. I heard things about The Cable Guy, that it is a story about a crazy person. Once the name Jim Carrey is mentioned, one would think laugh, funny, comedy... Like The Mask, Ace Ventura. But with movies like The Cable Guy, The Truman Show, there is a certain haunting feeling about his 'serious' movies. It's about satire, about life. Another great comedian is Robin Williams. He has his funnies, but there are serious stuff going on in his movies. Mrs Doubtfire, Patch Adams, Dead Poet's Society, Death to Smootchy. Serious stuff... about satire and about life again.

A salute to two great entertainers; Jim Carrey and Robin Williams.

I end off with a snipet of the poem by Alexander Pope (no, not the late Pope Alexander...) entitled "Eloisa to Abelard"

How happy is the blameless vestal's lot!
The world forgetting, by the world forgot.
Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind!
Each pray'r accepted, and each wish resign'd;
Labour and rest, that equal periods keep;
"Obedient slumbers that can wake and weep;"
Desires compos'd, affections ever ev'n,
Tears that delight, and sighs that waft to Heav'n.
Grace shines around her with serenest beams,
And whisp'ring angels prompt her golden dreams.
For her th' unfading rose of Eden blooms,
And wings of seraphs shed divine perfumes,
For her the Spouse prepares the bridal ring,
For her white virgins hymeneals sing,
To sounds of heav'nly harps she dies away,
And melts in visions of eternal day.

A flower...

It's a flower.



It's just a flower.

It's such a little thing. Yet the name means a lot.

Forget me not...

Death III

Well... It all bogs down to this. It has just been laid down on me. I didn't see it coming, though I have been blogging about it. The truth remains there, haunting...

It's just a matter of time, we all have to face it. It's just a matter of time. Maybe today, maybe tomorrow. Maybe when you're old and trying for that world record for being the oldest person to breathe. Maybe when you're strapped and chained into the hospital bed, with a worknig heart but not brain.

One day you will find yourself in my shoes to handle what I will be handling what I am going to be given. The responsibility is terrifying. I'm not ready. I'm just not ready to handle.

The big 'what if' has been laid down on me by my father.
And I'll be the man of the house then.

I don't know when I'll be ready to handle that...

Another row of Death related shows...

Becoming a doctor, we will be faced with the tough decisions and long work hours everyday.

But a even more difficult task is to bring bad news. When death occurs, it's hard to come about to tell the family members that their loved one died. I don't know how to handle death. I would guess it's easier to say it, but not to actually be symphatetic, emphatetic...
"I'm sorry. We did all we can but we cannot save him. It was probably his time. There was nothing that we could do. It's God's will..." ("Oh yeah, by the way... How do you feel about organ donation?")

Everytime I watch a death scene, or epic battles, I get weak. It's not sadness, but I feel like crying, but there are just no tears. Sometimes I may go back hours later to just curl up and cry. But it's making me numb. I don't know how to handle death.

How will you be handling it if your loved one goes where you can't follow?

An anology is that, if a person is going to migrate somewhere and there is a chance that you may never see that person again, how would you feel?

Watching war epics, there is a sense of honour in it, that the person died with honour in battle fighting for what they felt was right. But I guess life is just a big battle itself, and dying in it means that you go with honour.

Lessons we have to learn:
Don't give too high hope
Don't give false hope
Don't make promises

I want to go down 'singing'

Death

I wanted to quote what Patch Adams said about death, but I can't remember the words exactly, but there were lots of definitions of death.

And why do I pick such a topic to blog about? No reason, Can't find one. Just feel like it.

Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith
A fact paced movie with a lot of one liners. I still don't see the good in Anakin though a lot of people think highly of him. Battle droids have personality, including fear. Count Dooku and General Grevious has short roles, they are not as frightening as they potray them to be. There's definitely a Extended Edition. 2/3 of the movie is computer animated.
Yeah, I almost cried a few times in the movie... loads of time..

Maybe that is what triggered the thought of death... extreme sadness

Now that I think of it, I feel quite sad sad sad after watching the movie...

Watch it.

"Sons of Gondor, of Rohan. My brothers.

"I see in your eyes the same fear that would take the heart of me! A day may come, when the courage of men fails, when we forsake our friends and break all bonds of Fellowship, but it is not this day!

"An hour of wolves and shattered shileds when the age of men comes crashing down! But it is not this day!

"This day we fight! By all that you hold dear on this good earth, I bid you, stand,men of the West!"

-Aragorn

Choices...

That was the theme for the CF camp. Not that I'm going to be talking about it though. I don't think I'll talk about it at all. But I am, though, going to be making noise about choices...

Everyday we are faced with making decisions. Whether it's to wake up in the morning or continue sleeping, or to kill someone or not. We are plagued with choices. Cliche...

Enough then...

Choices. What are the consequences of our choices? We can't really tell that whatever choice we make is a good one. I feel strongly that once a choice has been made and the actions are carried out, we can never turn back and change it. Many people have been talking about time traveling and things like that. And that you want to change your path at that particular crossroad that you think will change your life completely... But in actual fact, you don't know what that path will bring you to. Who knows that choice is worse than what it is now. Christians believe that their choice is made in trust to God, and whatever decision they come to it is in God's will. In that sense, whatever the outcome, God willed it. Sounds safe.

Buddhism however, believes in Karma. Everything happens for a reason, or because of a reason. Being a Buddhist, I think this is easier to grasp. My mother always tells me, things can be a blessing in disguise. There are many stories that come out from this quote. She left her handbag in a phone booth one time... And of course it was stolen. At that time, of course anybody would panic and stuff, but after some time, she realized that it could be a blessing. Well, for instance, she could have been robbed or whatever done to her if the bag was with her. It was night and she was alone in a foreign place. Of course we can't tell what the outcome would be if did remember to take her bag, but my point is, it could mean a good thing that she did. Everything happens for a reason. Call it God's will, call it Fate, call it Prophecy, call it co-incidence.

That's why I don't pray. I don't ask for things. I believe that we are responsible for our own lives. Whatever we do, whatever the decision, it will firstly and finally affect us. And in between, it will affect those around me. This is Karma, for me. Karma, of course is not just good things, but bad things. So, my motto? Do good. without any intentions attached.

I summarized all the religions into one, picking out the similarities and that motto is what I came up with. I was told that I was arrogant to think so. It came as a shock. I didn't feel that it was considered arrogant, but I guess but thinking I'm better than all the other religions and coming up with my own conclusion... And that is how I choose to live my life.

Another thing about choices is the freedom that comes with it. Lately there has been some disagreements with the IMU dress code. Some say it's too strict. If you really listen to some, they are logical, and to other, just purely absurd. It is a choice, but somehow if their wants are not in the choices that are provided, they'll complain. Come on, it's wear formal clothes, in different colour and style. That is the choice, not whether to wear jeans or pyjamas. Stick to the rule, for goodness sake!

Another complaint was made by our batch rep, regarding the timetable. She felt that the courses are overlapping. By overlapping I guess she meant that the lectures for Renal are before the End of course assesment for Repro. Maybe the CSU sessions too. Logically, yes, I guess it's a basis for complaint, BUT

In my opinion, the time table do suck, and the only difference is that I want the exams to be directly after the last lecture, maybe give a day more. And the lectures for the next course be after that paper. WHICH was what the admin did to our first system, the Endocrine system. But due to complaints (again!!!) The shifted it to the end of the week. And by doing so, the Repro lectures were before the test.

Other than that, I dont see a need to complain about the timetable. And, with the test brought foward, less people will skip the Malaysian Studies classes and we wouldn't be in trouble in the first place. Oh, and guess what, it's the same person again!!!

The choices are there, we just have to look forward slightly and think of what our decision will entail. I dont want less time to study for the finals. Time table stays.

It's been a tiring week.

I just finished playing Final Fantasy VII this afternoon. Reviews of the game is rated among the best of the FF genre, with great story line and gameplay. I say it is good, but not the best... of course after playing FF9, this was sort of a downgrade. FF9 was easier and for the life of me, I can't seem to remember what the game was about. I can only remember that it is not the same as FF7. In this game, the story is more linear and not much plot change. mind you, not plot twist, but plot change.

In FF7, the story revolves around Cloud, and his story of coming to being. If I look into the character, I somehow feel that there are certain similarities between him and me... Sometimes I feel like I am leading another person's life, and not being who I really am. In a way, we are both on a journey of discovery. Of course Cloud's is more science fiction and is with a dark past... He assimilated the life of his friend, and though I have not done so, I feel like my life isn't really my own. I act as if I am a different person, and sometimes I realise it, but after so many years of wearing this mask, I am not really sure who I really am. Am I this person who is kind and caring and friendly? or am I a jackass who is antisocial and needs nobody.

Yesterday, we had the Inter Religious Forum. I was the Co-Director and representing the Buddhist Society. The lesson that I learnt from my past experience with organizing the forum is to delegate work. That is the advice that was given to me so many times, and this time I did. And it sort of back fired. Though it was my nature to help people regardless of my well-being, I was being bossy, and I was almost completely ignorant about things that my society is supposed to do. I didn't know what was going on with the venue (thanks Mok), and I wasn't too happy about the booklet design. The reason why I don't like putting people in charge of things is because I want things my way. Some might say I want the credit, but I do get critism too. I don't really know why I want it my way, but I do. That I don't know, whether it is my character or not, good or not. Anyway, the booklet layout was done (thanks CK) and I just tweaked it up a bit. I wasn't really impressed with what I've done, but I guess it will suffice.

Anyway, the running of the event went smoothly I suppose. Apart from the weeping walls, everything was as it was planned. And in the end, we got a quite good response and good comments strolled in. I am happy, but somehow I didn't feel content. I still haven't found my purpose in life. I have told Caryn about what my objective in life is, which was to just do good. I feel it is noble, yet I do not want it to be a conscious effort. I am not doing things to look at the rewards, or to glorify myself. I'm doing things because I like helping out. Perhaps that is the reason I took Medicine. I want to help...

After the forum, I went back with a missing piece. I couldn't find it. I tried talking to some friends, but I didn't want to disturb them so much. There wasn't much that I could do to fill that emptiness. How do you describe it? I just want to curl up on someone's lap and suck on my thumb, while that somebody gently strokes my head and tell me that I've done good. Call it God, call it Mother, call it Evelyn, call it friends. I needed it but I didn't get it...

Anyway, another game is off of my gaming list and I'm moving on to the next: The Longest Journey.

A tale of a girl, who is constantly being brought from one dimension to one other. One of science, one of nature. Strangely it is like a logical world of men, and a chaotic balanced world of women. Kinda like how I feel. I was reminded on Monday, how much I was like a girl, though I am a boy. And constantly I am going back and forth between these two worlds, one of harsh cruelty of men, and the other of caring, understanding nature of women...

Strangely how all the games I play is making me think...

And, from visiting Grace's blog, I am now getting paranoid that I have Denggue. How ironic that we find ourselves diagnosing ourselves with diseases that we just learnt but are afraid still to go to see a doctor to get diagnosed. I got this from watching Scrubs, and House MD... Our lecturer has told us before of a story of a doctor who shant aside a lump in her breast and died of cancer a few months later. It's quite ironic that we can preach to patients about how they should handle their health when we don't really take care of our own bodies. How do you advice a patient on the detrimental effects of smoking when you yourself smoke? Or how they should excercise to avoid heart problem when you are obese and sit in a office all day?

Well, it's getting too long.. I'll blog on my experiences in the CF camp next...

Another day have passed and the System Course assessment draws nearer...

Funny that whenever it draws nearer to the test, distractions get pretty... uh, well... distracting. Thanks to Raj's laptop and LAN, the latest craze is playing Warcraft 3. And with gamers like CK as a room mate, I am also naturally dragged into the fun. It is becoming a challenge, to play against 6 other computers and one ally.
Strategies that I am using now:
1. Human: get Paladdin and Archmage Heroes. Clerics, Spell Breakers and Dwarven Riflemen. Add Sorceress and Dragonhawk Riders.
2. Undead: Death Knight and Crypt Lord or Lich. Crypt Fiends and Frost Wyrm
3. Orc: Tauren Chieften and Far-Seer. Also Shadow Hunter. Taurens and Spirit Walkers. Or Grunts, Raiders and Shamans.
4. Night Elves: Priesstess of the Moon, Warden and Keeper of the Grove. Archers, Huntress, Glaive Throwers and Mountain Giants. Add Chimera for kicks.

CK says that my strategy is boring after a while. But I still am keeping it. But why am I even playing this??

I have a "To do or not to do" list, with all the things that we (as students) should do or not do. I might put it up one day as it is quite interesting. We created this list since my days in NJC, as it was stressful and packed...

Now that I am in University, everything is different. Life is rather boring and all we get to do is study. Studying isn't that hard, and all we study is almost inter-related with each other. Right now, I'm just waiting for the Reproductive System Course Assessment. And in this system, there are many repeating facts that comes every now and then in the lectures. Yet, it is not that easy to memorize everything. I need motivation, and I do get it... from the right people. Even CK.

Anyway, got Malaysian Studies later and have to get some studying done...

I just watched Joey, episode 21

Life really sucks. I'm not supposed to spoil anything here, but nobody visits this page anyway. So who cares?

I don't like Eric. I feel like Alex. But it is expected, I did want it to be that way anyway. Come on, I wanted it to happen so badly, but when it did, I hate it. I guess I didn't know it will be that hard, but it is my decision and I have to stick to it. Not many people are happy with my indecisiveness, and it's being used against me. Truth about me is I don't like making decisions. It's not that I don't want to be resposible when it goes wrong, but I don't want to make the wrong decision. There are many things that are attached to the decision, and when it's wrong, it's hard to handle it. Looking back in the past, I have made some really stupid mistakes and decisions. Some of them still going on...

Like me deciding to do medic. Medic is a really difficult thing, especially for a lazy pig like me. I have no motivation, save the occasional nudge by friends. I am so used to being arrogant study wise. Primary school in Malaysia was no challenge and I ended up being over confident. The lessons were too easy, exams can be passed without studying much... and sadly, the time where the brain is most absorbant is when you are young. So, I ended up being lazy and arrogant about studies. I was proven wrong time and time again, but I have not learnt my lesson. Going through secondary school in Singapore, I felt what competition is like. It's enthrilling, I love the rush of adrenaline. So, I worked harder and in the end, the exams were not that difficult. But I became over confident again and by the time I was in Junior College, I have really gotten lazy.

Hence my presence in IMU.

It may be a blessing in disguise, but it's really ironic because in Singapore, EVERYONE ELSE was hating Singapore and telling me how much they want to get out of it. I was the one telling people how much better it was in Singapore compared to Malaysia. One can say that I was blinded by the government, brainwashed. But I still find it BETTER compared to Malaysia where racism is still an issue.

So here I am, back in Malaysia; when all those who hated Singapore are still there studying. My decision was to do medic. I forgone a chance to really lighten my parents financial burden by getting the ASEAN scholarship and do Engineering in NUS. My friend, who was in the same boat, decide to take on the scholarship, and now he is staying for free in my place, with an almost free education. Looking at my results, I am better at Physics and Maths, so I should be better suited for engineering, yet I took up Medic... Not only does my fees costs a fortune, I also have to pay to stay in KL. And for the past 2 years, I had to also accomodate another person.

It's time to live with my decision and get on with the studying.. but it is still fresh in my head and getting over it is not that easy. Oh well... I got to study and do well to prove that this is a good decision...

Road Kills

i'ts been an interesting 4 day holiday:

road kills encountered: 6
road kills caused: 0

accidents came across: 2
accidents dreamt of: 1

longest drive: 2 hours non stop
longest traffic jam: KL to Bukit Beruntung
road maniacs: countless

I would like to comment on a good deed that I saw someone did and I think it is worthy to be commented on. This happened along the road coming out from the Ayer Keroh Toll Booths heading towards the town. The road was congested, caused by traffic lights, and so the line of cars extended upto 5km away. As usual, there will be impatient people driving, and soon, the 2 lane road became a three lane road. The emergency lane became host to a number of cars from various places. The monotonous chorus of the line from the "Don't cut queue" advert keep going through my head, and I was frustrated that I am the one being bothered by it and not those impatient drivers.

Then came the 'savior'; a bus. At first I thought that this bus also wanted to go onto the emergency lane, but it didn't try to overtake the car infront of him. I was about to make another comment about how impatient drivers are, but I noticed something wrong. The bus had lots of space on his left, but did not move further than he already was. Then it hit me (the thought, not the bus...). The bus was actually trying to block the other cars behind from using the emergency lane! The hero of the day!

But alas due to the little space on his left, daring drivers still went and overtook him from the left. oh well... Some people just never learn...

Holidays
What is a holiday?
n. day(s) of recreation

For me, it means endless boredom. There is so much that I can do, and yet there is still void, a feeling of nothingness, that looms over me, like a mysterious shadow, cast even when it is dark. There is a constant lulling, ever drawing me to the very edge of consciousness, of which when passed, I would only see obscure images of fantasy and nightmares, imitating and mocking the real world. However unpleasant it was, I could not hold them back. I am but a mindless drone, ever succumbing to the haunting and taunting I hear in my head. It is like it does not belong to me anymore, but instead to a power which I cannot overcome. They say the mind can conquer everything, but my mind has a mind of it’s own and irony of it all, my mind, the dark side, has conquered me instead…
Welcome. To my world…

In these past 2 weeks, I have been reading a 1008 paged with size 8 font book, not including pages and chapters of appendices with detailed maps and indices.
“I know of what it was that you saw,” she said; “for it is also in my mind. Do not be afraid!” and with it, comes my feeble inspiration to write.
“ The quest has failed, Sam. Even if we get out of here, we can’t escape.”

Of course apart from that, I have been watching movies of old. One particular movie that I came across was Captain Corelli’s Mandolin. And in it I pondered (or stole, I’m not sure) the words, How does the hands, of which is covered with the blood of others, play such beautiful music? The Mandolin (see picture below) is a string instrument, commonly heard in scenes where the gondola drifts over the canals in Venice. I guess it comes from Italy, and such wonderful music it produces.



The movie is about an Italian captain, who leads a company in the occupation of an isle of Cephallonia in Greece during WWII. Vastly different from their German counterparts, these soldiers lead a more peaceful relationship with the locals. Even a German Commander, Gunther, who was assigned to them is taken in by the beautiful music the Captain plays.

This being a war movie, it doesn’t fall short of battle scenes, in the form of the Germans destroying their alliances with Italy and killing all the Italian soldiers. The love for their Captain is shown when one of Corelli’s men shielded him with his own body, taking all the German bullets instead. So there he lay under the body of his comrade and his other soldiers dead all around him. As Gunther searches the bodies for survivors and killing them (yeah, KenJ, your sign applied here), he stops in shooting Corelli as he couldn’t bear betraying his friend and creator of the beautiful music.

And a movie would not be complete without a love interest, which is the main theme of this story. (Of course with love interest there’s love scenes and mass nudity on the beach, but that’s not the point of the movie…)

By the way, she is also learning to be a doctor from her father. And wise words comes form old people, “All wounds can be healed.”

Anyway, I give it a 9 out of 10.
I would like to thank my sister for finding such a good movie to watch.

Meet the Fockers

It is a known fact that sequels are not up to par as the first. There are certain exceptions (Star Wars: Episode V: the Empire Strikes Back, Shrek 2), but most of them fall in to the disappointing category (Blade II, Star Wars: Episode II: Atttack of the Clones, The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers, Jurassic Park: The Lost World).

This sequel is no exception. It’s not as good as the first movie, but it is indeed entertaining. Though it is less than 2 hours, I felt it was longer. Perhaps it was the constant pressure, or me relating to it and scaring the hell out of me. You could really see the constant pressure put on Greg (Ben Stiller) to impress the in-laws especially the father, Jack (Robert deNiro). Adding to that, he needs to make his parents (Dustin Hoffman and Bette Midler) impress them as well.

The two families come from completely different backgrounds, one being conservative and dictative, and the other being affectionate and open minded. It made me wonder about how it would be like if my parents meet my fiancée’s parents. Like the first movie, Greg lied and wormed his way through everything just to impress Jack. Come on, wouldn’t you do anything so that you can marry the person you love? Of course there is a limit and lying isn’t the answer though. I believe in honest relationships, but I don’t think the show would have been as edutaining as it would have been if he told the truth all the time. This is, of course, just a show.

Though there are not much jokes, there is humour, just like the first movie. The sheer peculiar nature of the scenes is funny enough. For instance, the cute little dog, Moses, owned by the Fockers, keeps shagging anything that moves including the cat, Jinx. There are also references to the first movie, which may confuse new viewers.

A good thing about this movie is that there are no redundant scenes, except maybe the first scene. But I guess it was trying to show us that he is a male nurse. Nevertheless, the following scenes build the suspense and add humour to the ever increasing dilemma for Greg.

At the end of the day, the lesson spells out itself: Trust. People lie for many reasons, it could be that the truth will hurt you more, or he is afraid of you, or he just doesn’t want trouble. Whatever it is, sometimes the truth hurts and you might not like it. So I guess it’s ok to lie once in a while to protect the person that you love, wouldn’t you think?

Why you should you watch it?
dog humping cat
perverted 1-year-old (whose first word is asshole)
method of fockerising
sex/fertility idols
high tech trailer

Rating: 3/5