It's been a tiring week.

I just finished playing Final Fantasy VII this afternoon. Reviews of the game is rated among the best of the FF genre, with great story line and gameplay. I say it is good, but not the best... of course after playing FF9, this was sort of a downgrade. FF9 was easier and for the life of me, I can't seem to remember what the game was about. I can only remember that it is not the same as FF7. In this game, the story is more linear and not much plot change. mind you, not plot twist, but plot change.

In FF7, the story revolves around Cloud, and his story of coming to being. If I look into the character, I somehow feel that there are certain similarities between him and me... Sometimes I feel like I am leading another person's life, and not being who I really am. In a way, we are both on a journey of discovery. Of course Cloud's is more science fiction and is with a dark past... He assimilated the life of his friend, and though I have not done so, I feel like my life isn't really my own. I act as if I am a different person, and sometimes I realise it, but after so many years of wearing this mask, I am not really sure who I really am. Am I this person who is kind and caring and friendly? or am I a jackass who is antisocial and needs nobody.

Yesterday, we had the Inter Religious Forum. I was the Co-Director and representing the Buddhist Society. The lesson that I learnt from my past experience with organizing the forum is to delegate work. That is the advice that was given to me so many times, and this time I did. And it sort of back fired. Though it was my nature to help people regardless of my well-being, I was being bossy, and I was almost completely ignorant about things that my society is supposed to do. I didn't know what was going on with the venue (thanks Mok), and I wasn't too happy about the booklet design. The reason why I don't like putting people in charge of things is because I want things my way. Some might say I want the credit, but I do get critism too. I don't really know why I want it my way, but I do. That I don't know, whether it is my character or not, good or not. Anyway, the booklet layout was done (thanks CK) and I just tweaked it up a bit. I wasn't really impressed with what I've done, but I guess it will suffice.

Anyway, the running of the event went smoothly I suppose. Apart from the weeping walls, everything was as it was planned. And in the end, we got a quite good response and good comments strolled in. I am happy, but somehow I didn't feel content. I still haven't found my purpose in life. I have told Caryn about what my objective in life is, which was to just do good. I feel it is noble, yet I do not want it to be a conscious effort. I am not doing things to look at the rewards, or to glorify myself. I'm doing things because I like helping out. Perhaps that is the reason I took Medicine. I want to help...

After the forum, I went back with a missing piece. I couldn't find it. I tried talking to some friends, but I didn't want to disturb them so much. There wasn't much that I could do to fill that emptiness. How do you describe it? I just want to curl up on someone's lap and suck on my thumb, while that somebody gently strokes my head and tell me that I've done good. Call it God, call it Mother, call it Evelyn, call it friends. I needed it but I didn't get it...

Anyway, another game is off of my gaming list and I'm moving on to the next: The Longest Journey.

A tale of a girl, who is constantly being brought from one dimension to one other. One of science, one of nature. Strangely it is like a logical world of men, and a chaotic balanced world of women. Kinda like how I feel. I was reminded on Monday, how much I was like a girl, though I am a boy. And constantly I am going back and forth between these two worlds, one of harsh cruelty of men, and the other of caring, understanding nature of women...

Strangely how all the games I play is making me think...

And, from visiting Grace's blog, I am now getting paranoid that I have Denggue. How ironic that we find ourselves diagnosing ourselves with diseases that we just learnt but are afraid still to go to see a doctor to get diagnosed. I got this from watching Scrubs, and House MD... Our lecturer has told us before of a story of a doctor who shant aside a lump in her breast and died of cancer a few months later. It's quite ironic that we can preach to patients about how they should handle their health when we don't really take care of our own bodies. How do you advice a patient on the detrimental effects of smoking when you yourself smoke? Or how they should excercise to avoid heart problem when you are obese and sit in a office all day?

Well, it's getting too long.. I'll blog on my experiences in the CF camp next...